People Who Lack Self-Awareness Say These 13 Offensive Things Often

Sometimes, you might encounter people who say things so insensitive or offensive that you start to wonder if they have any self-awareness at all. It’s surprising how often certain phrases pop up that leave you shaking your head. Often, these comments are not meant to hurt, but they do a good job of it anyway because they lack thoughtfulness. Here’s a rundown of some of these all-too-common remarks, so you can avoid these pitfalls and perhaps gently steer others away from them too. Let’s dive into these verbal faux pas and explore why they rub people the wrong way.

1. “I’m Just Being Honest.”

When someone blurts out, “I’m just being honest,” it can feel like a punch in the gut. Honesty is important, sure, but it doesn’t give anyone a free pass to be hurtful. Often, these words come after saying something unnecessarily blunt or critical that could have been expressed more kindly. According to Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, self-awareness is crucial for effective communication. She notes that people who consider others’ feelings when being “honest” are generally better liked and more trusted.

The problem here is that this phrase is usually used to dodge responsibility for being insensitive. It’s a verbal shield that people use to protect themselves from backlash. Instead of helping the listener improve or understand a situation, it puts them on the defensive. If you’re aiming for honesty, balance it with kindness. You can still be truthful without being harsh.

2. “You Look Tired.”

Telling someone they “look tired” might seem like a caring observation, but it often comes across as a critique of their appearance. Most people interpret this as “you look bad,” which isn’t exactly a confidence booster. The intention might be to express concern, but it usually misses the mark, leaving the other person feeling self-conscious. Instead, try asking how they’re doing or if they need any support. This approach is more compassionate and less likely to make someone feel judged.

Furthermore, commenting on someone’s appearance, especially in a negative way, can put a damper on their day. It highlights fatigue that they might not want to acknowledge or discuss. We’ve all had our tired days, and being reminded of it by others is rarely helpful. If you’re genuinely concerned, opt for a question that invites the person to share, rather than a statement that could embarrass them. Remember, words are powerful and should be chosen carefully.

3. “Calm Down.”

Telling someone to “calm down” is rarely a successful strategy. Often, it has the opposite effect, escalating emotions rather than defusing them. Licensed marriage and family therapist Dr. John Gottman explains that being told to “calm down” can make people feel invalidated, as if their feelings are being dismissed or minimized. Instead, acknowledging their feelings and offering support can be far more constructive.

This phrase implies that the person’s emotional response is unreasonable, which is often not the case. Everyone experiences strong emotions, and they deserve to be taken seriously. By telling someone to calm down, you’re essentially saying they’re overreacting, which can be deeply frustrating to hear. A more effective approach might be to ask if there’s anything you can do to help or to listen. Validating someone’s feelings can pave the way for a more productive conversation.

4. “It’s Just A Joke.”

When someone says, “It’s just a joke,” it often means they’ve crossed a line and are trying to backpedal. Humor is subjective, and what’s funny to one person might not be funny to another. This phrase can be a way to deflect responsibility for saying something offensive. It suggests that the listener is too sensitive or doesn’t understand humor, which can be dismissive and patronizing. If your joke offends someone, the best course of action is to apologize and move on.

Humor can be a great way to connect with others, but it shouldn’t come at the expense of someone’s feelings. If you find yourself reaching for “it’s just a joke” as a defense, take a moment to consider why your words might have missed the mark. It’s important to read the room and be mindful of others’ boundaries. Acknowledging when a joke doesn’t land well shows respect and understanding. This approach can help mend fences rather than create rifts.

5. “You’re Overreacting.”

Telling someone they’re “overreacting” can be a surefire way to escalate tensions. It’s dismissive and suggests that their feelings are invalid or unwarranted. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Susan Heitler, this phrase can feel like a form of gaslighting, as it denies the reality of someone’s emotional experience. Instead of shutting down a person’s feelings, try to understand where they’re coming from.

Everyone reacts differently to situations, and what might be a small issue to one person could be significant to another. By dismissing their emotions, you risk alienating them and damaging your relationship. Try listening actively and expressing empathy instead. Ask questions that invite them to share more about their feelings. Understanding is more likely to lead to resolution than invalidation.

6. “You Always…” Or “You Never…”

Using absolutes like “you always” or “you never” can make someone feel cornered and defensive. It paints them into a box, suggesting that their behavior is consistent and unchanging, which is rarely the case. These phrases tend to escalate arguments because they’re often exaggerations, distorting the reality of the situation. Instead of focusing on absolutes, try addressing the specific behavior or event that’s bothering you. This creates room for dialogue rather than defensiveness.

When you use these absolutes, you risk making the other person feel attacked or misunderstood. It can also make it hard for them to acknowledge any wrongdoing or to see your point of view. Transitioning to more specific language helps in addressing the issue at hand without making the other person feel overwhelmed by the critique. Focus on how the specific action made you feel. This approach encourages constructive conversation and resolution.

7. “Not To Be Rude, But…”

When someone prefaces a comment with “not to be rude, but,” it often signals that something rude is about to follow. It’s a warning that softens the impact for the speaker, but not for the listener. In communication expert Celeste Headlee’s research, she notes that such disclaimers do not excuse rudeness, and often make the message more hurtful because they suggest an awareness of its potential impact. Instead of using this preface, consider rephrasing the comment to be more considerate.

This phrase tends to alert the listener that something negative is coming their way, putting them on the defensive. It implies that the speaker knows their comment might be offensive, but they’re going to say it anyway. This can make the listener feel irritated or dismissed before they even hear the actual comment. A better approach is to think about whether the comment needs to be said, or if it can be framed in a more positive or constructive way. Effective communication is about being both honest and considerate.

8. “You Should Smile More.”

Telling someone to “smile more” can come across as controlling or patronizing. It’s a comment often directed at women, with the implication that their natural expression is not good enough. This statement assumes that people should always appear happy, regardless of their circumstances or feelings. It can feel dismissive of whatever the person is going through at the moment. Encouraging authenticity and respecting others’ emotions is a more empathetic approach.

Everyone has their own reasons for the expression they wear, and they don’t owe anyone an explanation or a smile. By suggesting that someone should smile, you’re imposing your idea of how they should present themselves to the world. This can make people feel pressured to hide their true emotions, which isn’t fair or healthy. Instead, focus on creating a positive environment where smiles happen naturally. A genuine smile is always better than a forced one.

9. “I Was Just Kidding.”

Much like “it’s just a joke,” saying “I was just kidding” can be used to deflect responsibility for harmful comments. It often follows a remark that didn’t land well or was clearly offensive. This phrase minimizes the impact of the words and puts the onus on the listener for taking offense. Humor and jokes can be a great way to connect, but not when they come at the expense of others’ feelings. Acknowledging the impact of your words is better than hiding behind this flimsy excuse.

If you find you’ve hurt someone with a joke, it’s more appropriate to apologize and understand why it was offensive. Humor is subjective, and sometimes it misses the mark. Using “I was just kidding” can feel dismissive and invalidate the other person’s feelings. Instead, take the opportunity to reflect on why the comment was perceived negatively and learn from it. This approach fosters growth and mutual respect.

10. “It’s Common Sense.”

When someone tells you “it’s common sense,” it can feel belittling and condescending. This phrase often comes up when someone is frustrated, but it’s not helpful in resolving the situation. It assumes that everyone has the same knowledge or experience, which isn’t the case. Instead of saying this, try explaining your point of view or providing the missing information. This approach is more constructive and fosters understanding.

By labeling something as “common sense,” you risk alienating the other person and shutting down communication. It can make them feel as though they’re being judged for not knowing something that seems obvious to you. Everyone has different experiences and expertise, so what seems like common sense to one might be new information to another. A better approach is to offer guidance or clarification without judgment. This way, you support learning and development rather than hinder it.

11. “You’re Too Sensitive.”

Calling someone “too sensitive” can invalidate their feelings and experiences. It suggests that their emotional reactions are exaggerated, which isn’t fair or accurate. Everyone has different triggers and emotional responses, and they shouldn’t be judged for them. Instead of labeling someone as overly sensitive, try to understand their perspective. Acknowledging and respecting others’ emotions can strengthen relationships and promote empathy.

This phrase can damage trust and make people feel misunderstood or ridiculed. It’s often used to shut down discussions and avoid addressing the real issues at hand. When someone shares their feelings, they’re being vulnerable, and dismissing them as too sensitive can hurt deeply. A more compassionate approach is to listen and validate their experience. This encourages open dialogue and mutual understanding.

12. “That’s How It’s Always Been Done.”

Saying “that’s how it’s always been done” can stifle innovation and progress. It implies that traditional methods are inherently superior, even when they might not be the most effective or efficient. This phrase is often used to resist change or avoid considering new ideas. Instead of clinging to the status quo, be open to exploring new approaches and perspectives. This openness can lead to creative solutions and improvements.

While tradition has its place, it shouldn’t be used as a crutch to avoid growth. By dismissing new ideas with this phrase, you risk missing out on opportunities for improvement. Organizations and individuals alike benefit from adaptability and willingness to evolve. Encouraging discussions around new methods can foster a culture of innovation. Embrace change as a chance to learn and grow, rather than a threat to be avoided.

13. “You Can’t Take A Joke.”

Accusing someone of not being able to “take a joke” shifts the blame onto them for feeling hurt or offended. This phrase can make someone feel isolated and ashamed for their reaction to a comment they found offensive. It suggests that the problem lies with the listener’s sense of humor rather than the speaker’s choice of words. Instead of using this phrase, consider why the joke might have been poorly received. This reflection can lead to more thoughtful communication.

Humor should bring people together, not push them apart. If someone doesn’t find something funny, it’s worth considering their perspective rather than dismissing them as humorless. Everyone has different boundaries, and what’s funny to some might be hurtful to others. Respect these differences and strive for sensitivity in your humor. This approach promotes an inclusive and respectful environment.