People Are Calling Out Things Parents Say That Sound “Helpful” — But Are Actually Super Toxic

We recently asked the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the things parents say that seem “helpful” that are actually toxic. They opened up about their own realizations and experiences growing up, and their answers range from eye-opening to heartbreaking. Here’s what they had to say:

1.“Comparing your children to siblings or other peers in a way that makes them the ‘worst’ example. Whether it’s grades, achievements, or general behavior, it makes them feel bad for not meeting the standard, and it can put pressure on the other person to maintain the standard. Also, it ignores that different people have different strengths or may need support to reach expectations (their own or others).”

—jbmasta

2.“I was, and still am, repeatedly told to just ‘get over it’ or ‘let it go’ when I bring up stuff that bothers me to either of my parents. There’s a reason why at 30 I’m finally learning how to advocate for myself and struggle with conflict because of how dismissive and counterproductive, for lack of a better word, those phrases are.”

—mo2758

3.“I have three. ‘Children grow up in spite of their parents,’ which my dad loved to say. That’s true, but it’s a way to completely remove any responsibility from your own actions. My mom’s favorite was, ‘What’s your problem?’ whenever she didn’t like the mood I was in. And the worst was ‘I love you, but…’ I’m teaching my kids, ‘I love you, AND.’ Because that ‘but’ hurt so much, every time.”

—cutelegend937

4.“When parents say, ‘Because I said so.’ A favorite quote of mine is, ‘If they’re old enough to ask, then they’re old enough to get an age-appropriate answer.”

—Anonymous

“My husband tells our 10-year-old daughter, ‘Do what you’re told,’ and it gets me every time. She should be allowed options, and I try to instill those. It’s never an explanation from him; it’s always a command.”

—kimmienicole

5.“‘I was able to do this when I was your age, so you can, too!’ My parents were both extremely athletic when they were younger. I begged them to take me out of sports, but they put me in multiple ones that I failed at because I have zero hand-eye coordination, and I just hated playing sports. They told me I just wasn’t ‘trying hard enough.’ It took years for them to realize I’d never be like them or my older athletic sibling. I had a breakdown one day before a soccer game, and it finally dawned on them that they were making me miserable.”

“They put me in art lessons shortly after (which I absolutely flourished in). But it took years for me to stop comparing myself and feeling inadequate. Parents: PLEASE let your kid be an individual.”

—minibubble32237

6.“You can never have a problem if my mom has a problem. Her problem is always worse. Like, it’s a competition or something weird. I just don’t talk to her about anything I’m having a hard time with anymore.”

—silkycrab12

7.“‘You should be more grateful for what you have and what we’ve done for you.'”

—elinumber2

8.“‘You’ll grow out of it.’ My mother said it constantly growing up. If she disagreed with something you did, a decision you made, or a life plan she didn’t like… you’ll grow out of it. Sorry, Mom, just like 12-year-old me said, I’m still a vegetarian, still don’t want kids, and will still choose happiness instead of money. The only time she wavered was when I said I was breaking up with a guy because he was a jerk, and she said ‘You’ll grow to like him; he makes a lot of money.’ Nope.”

—progiant876

9.“My father claimed that all men only want sex, and once they have it, they’re gone. That was his ‘advice’ for dating — basically, ‘Don’t be easy, or he’ll have what he wants and leave.’ He also claimed that women all want children, and if they don’t, ‘they’re lying about it.’ I thought for decades that when I was married, I’d have to accept that no guy would actually love or want me for who I am.”

“It wasn’t until I met my now-boyfriend that I realized this isn’t always true, but I still have a hard time accepting that most guys can actually love women. I was SA’ed at 14, so you can imagine how much this did not help.”

—Anonymous, 38, Illinois

10.“‘Your opinion does not matter in this house.'”

—fluffygoblin202

11.“My mother-in-law always said people who struggled with emotional issues were weak. She said people just need to grow up and get over things, and so many more things like this. As someone who has bipolar disorder, anxiety, ADHD, and some challenging health issues, this was really toxic for me to hear over and over again.”

—Anonymous

12.“Growing up with a type A father, my sister and I seemed to be the biggest targets, and our brother ‘walked on water.’ First and foremost, if we got a low grade or failed at something, he always compared us to our brother. My father constantly harassed my sister about her weight and compared her to me. I was always told to just get married when I finished high school, and ‘college wasn’t for me.’ Now, my sister and I talk about this a lot. I haven’t spoken to my brother for eight years.”

—marveloushawk57

13.“‘You’re not fat yet, but you’re getting there. You need to start watching what you eat.’ I was 8 years old. I’ve hated myself since — and surprise, surprise…I never learned to have a healthy relationship with food. … Eating was a source of shame, so I just learned to do it quickly and in secret.”

—Anonymous, 44

14.“I recently discovered that I was diagnosed as autistic as a kid. My parents kept this from me. My father spent my entire life denigrating autistic people, and acting like they’d ‘never have a normal life or do normal things.’ He treated autism like a one-size-fits-all solution for people who had serious mental deficiencies. I grew up thinking that people with autism are fundamentally broken in some way. When I remembered my autism diagnosis a few months ago, after both parents passed, I also remembered my father accusing the counselor and teachers. He said, ‘Are you telling me that my daughter is r******d?!’ (Those exact words).”

“It’s no wonder I buried that memory deep down. It took three decades, and I am finally in a safe place to recover bits and pieces. I’m still having issues coming to terms with the fact that my father’s ego wouldn’t allow me to have accommodations my school recommended in the early ’90s, and I still feel like I’m deficient due to my autism. (And yeah, my father was a real ‘stand up guy.’ I don’t miss him.)”

—Anonymous

15.“‘Oh well,’ or ‘too bad’ after I tell them my problems. They want me to push through it, but to this day, it just feels like they’re not listening. They both also have a great way of making me feel worse, like if I say, ‘I feel pathetic.’ They would say something like, ‘You don’t have to be pathetic.’ That’s not motivational.”

—Anonymous

16.“‘You’re older, you should know better, be better, etc.’ Like, you have to put up with a younger sibling treating you like crap, but you have to be the better person.”

—donnellaw2

17.“My childhood was generally very happy and in no way abusive, but one phrase I heard quite often, which upset me, was, ‘If only you put as much effort into your school work as you did to [hobbies], you’d get straight A’s!’ It was meant well, I know. My family knew I was intelligent and wanted me to do well. But they were two completely separate entities. School work was a chore — something that had to be done but generally wasn’t enjoyable; often it was hard, dull, and/or stressful. My hobbies were things that brought me happiness, respite, excitement, and joy. You can’t compare the two.”

“Of course, I enjoyed my hobbies more, and was more enthusiastic about them than quadratic equations. I’m also AUDHD, so I have always found it especially hard to commit to or concentrate on things that don’t interest me. When, after I’d completed something hobby related, like a jigsaw or a drawing, or beat my record on a game, an adult saying, ‘Mm, lovely, but I wish you put that much effort into your homework,’ it took away some of that joy and made me feel like it was somehow irresponsible to put aside time for the things I wanted to do, rather than had to do. Now, as a freelancer who sets my own hours, I have to constantly remind myself that it’s OK not to work all the time and not to feel guilty about taking the occasional day off for no other reason than to do something fun.”

—Anonymous, 42, UK

18.“One thing that sticks out in my mind as an educator is the mom who, in a frustrated tone, asked her child what they wanted in order to stop crying. This does not help children learn social skills and does not provide expectations for behavior. I also noticed this child’s sleep patterns, noting how he was the first one down for nap and the last one up. Noticing this, I asked her if she wanted me to wake him up earlier, as some children can have difficulty going to bed if they nap too long during the day. She said he went to bed fine because he got melatonin because he doesn’t listen and go to sleep. Both are toxic because both are harmful to social-emotional and physical development.”

“The child learns that he gets what he wants by crying and cannot fall asleep on his own. He was 3 years old at the time, and I’d love to see him now at 6.”

—Anonymous

19.“I truly despise the ‘When I was your age’ load of crap. The world is VASTLY different. The challenges have changed. The whole world has changed. Immensely. It’s ridiculous to assume that my childhood looks anything like my kids’ (all of whom are now amazing adults, if I do say so myself).”

“Also, any comparison to siblings is truly awful. I heard it all my childhood: ‘Why can’t you be more like your brothers?’ Or very similar things. When I had my stepkids, I made sure to treat them all as unique individuals with their own distinct challenges, talents, emotions, and hearts. My ex and I didn’t even punish them the same way because some punishment doesn’t do anything to teach kids right from wrong.”

—Anonymous, 47, Oklahoma

20.“‘It’s okay/you’re alright.’ I just bonked my head, and you wanna tell me that the world of pain I’m in is non-existent?”

—Anonymous, 19, Nevada

And finally…

21.“I’m the middle child (older brother, younger sister). I was always made to do chores, have a set curfew, get punished, etc., and to this day, all I ever hear is, ‘You’re the one we don’t worry about!’ Or, ‘We never worry about’you.’ Okay, great. Thanks for solely focusing on my other siblings and never me. It just means that any kind of stress or upset I have, I NEVER tell them anything.”

“This also means I don’t even tell them about my successes. It places too much stress on kids and makes them feel like they can’t rely on or find support in their family dynamic. It also encourages hyper-independence that comes with its own struggles. Sad really. It’s something I’ll never say to my children.”

—Anonymous, 31, UK

Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.

What are some other “helpful” things parents tell their kids that are actually toxic? Tell us in the comments. Or, if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use the form below.