Lifestyle
If Your Parents or Grandparents Did These 7 Things When You Were a Kid, You’re Probably an Anxious Adult
Anxiety can make you feel lonely but know that you are not alone.
Anxiety disorders affect almost half (40.1%) of U.S. adults—around 40 million people—each year, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. If you are one of the 40 million, you know it’s not an easy way to live.
“Anxiety is a combination of two major processes,” explains Dr. Michael Adelman, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with Mindpath Health.
He says you’ll experience excessive worry that makes it hard to do what you need to do to function daily. You may also experience physical symptoms, like a racing heart, in response to stressful daily events or tasks. We likely don’t have to tell you, though.
Still, despite how common anxiety and overthinking is in the U.S., we can’t pinpoint a precise reason why it happens to some people and not others. However, it can begin in childhood. Your upbringing—the caregiving style you received or traits you witnessed in parents or grandparents—can have long-lasting effects. Certainly, there are overt traits and issues—physical abuse, substance use disorders and neglect. However, other issues—while perhaps more subtle—can also contribute to anxiety in adulthood. You don’t have to “it-could-be-worse” yourself out of acknowledging what happened and getting help.
Mental health experts aren’t surprised when anxious adults tell them their parents or grandparents did these seven things when they were growing up.
Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist
7 Things in Childhood That Can Make You an Anxious Adult
1. Your parents/grandparents displayed anxious behavior
Anxiety isn’t a virus, but it can be contagious.
“Parents who experience anxiety and do not work to explore and manage their thoughts and feelings around their anxiety enhance the likelihood that their children will adopt similar anxious ways through modeling,” says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., a licensed child and parenting psychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center.
He explains that anxious behavior becomes normalized because children learn to manage emotions from their adult caregivers.
Related: A Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist Is Begging People With Anxiety To Try This 3-Minute Coping Strategy
2. Excessively critical parenting
Kids who feel they can’t do a thing right likely find their self-esteem in the basement. Low self-esteem can open the door and welcome in long-term anxiety that continues into adulthood.
“The child develops a pattern of being critical of themself, an inability to take in compliments when they are expressed and uncertainties that are the foundation of anxiety,” Dr. Biller warns.
3. Overly restrictive or authoritarian parenting
Super-strict parenting—never letting a kid have a drop-off playdate or climb a tree—makes it impossible for kids to explore their world safely. As a result, they’re more likely to become anxious. Dr. Biller says.
He adds that authoritarian parenting is one style that research links to increased odds of eating disorders in girls, which can become evident in late adolescence and adulthood.
Related: ‘I Struggled With Anxiety for Decades,’ Mel Robbins Reveals—Here’s What Made the Biggest Difference (Exclusive)
4. No structure
On the other end of the spectrum, a lack of structure in childhood can also raise the odds that someone becomes anxious as an adult.
“Boundaries and structure are necessary for children and adolescents to experience safety and security, which is a fundamental need,” Dr. Biller says.
Without the structure, he explains that insecurities increase, and anxiety symptoms are more likely to drag on.
Related: ‘I’m a Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist—Here’s What I Wish All Women Over 50 Knew About Anxiety’
5. Enabling
Enabling isn’t just about letting a child do whatever they want (see: no structure). There can be an emotional component. Dr. Adelman says parents and grandparents who enable children are strongly affected by a child’s distress and team up with them to avoid the feeling. The child learns that negative emotional reactions aren’t to be challenged—a key cog in emotional regulation in healthy adults—but obeyed.
“This leads to patterns of anxiety and avoidance that often lead to less and less engagement and set the stage for adolescent and young adult behavioral patterns that feed the strength of the anxiety response by continued behavioral avoidance of any stress-inducing situation,” he explains.
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions
6. Lack of emotional validation
Enabling doesn’t help, but Dr. Adelman says you’re also likely to become anxious if your grown-ups disregarded your feelings in childhood. Responses like “toughen up” or “get over it” fit that bill and may have made it harder for “little you” to feel safe voicing your concerns and working from a place of power and control to regulate your emotions and anxiety. So, it’s unsurprising that “adult you” also struggles with anxiety—you were never given the power to learn.
7. Focus on the outcome, on the investment
Sometimes, kids need an “A” for effort—even if the report card says “C.”
Dr. Adelman says that a hyper-focus on sports performance, grades and even social standing without a tailored investment in a child (which helps them feel seen) lays the foundation for anxiety. He explains that people raised in these settings are highly sensitive to negative events and emotions and anxious.
Related: What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For, According to Psychologists
How To Heal
1. Nurture emotional attachments
Dr. Adelman says it’s important to invest in relationships that bring you joy and connection, especially if you had negative attachments to parents, grandparents or other caregivers early in life. The goal is to challenge negative attachments and break cycles.
“Learn over time which relationships bring you enjoyment and happiness and build your self-esteem,” he suggests. “Take time to invest in these relationships and build awareness of the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behind their health.”
Related: 13 Lies People Tell Themselves That Do More Harm Than Good, Psychologists Warn
2. Avoid avoidance
According to Dr. Adelman, continuing to engage (even when it’s hard) is a pillar of coping with anxiety in adulthood. While avoiding something because you’re anxious might seem like a good solution in the moment, chronically restricting your world can only make things worse. Plus, facing the issue helps you build perseverance. It won’t be easy, though.
“Be gentle with yourself in this process,” he stresses. “Make sure to both be aware of and validate your own emotional response, but be cautious not to invest too much in it.”
Related: 14 Habits of People Who Never (Or Rarely) Get Anxious, According to Therapists
3. Explore your anxiety with a therapist
You’ve been living like this for a while and may need some help learning how to cope and heal.
“Therapists are neutral parties that assist us in exploring the intersection of our histories and our current functioning,” Dr. Biller says. “While assisting us in exploring our thoughts and feelings, within a safe container, professional therapists also are able to assist in building coping strategies that enable us to manage thoughts and feelings which we seek to change.”
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