People Who “Stayed For The Kids” Are Sharing How Their Marriages Actually Turned Out

Warning: This post discusses child abuse, domestic abuse, and substance abuse.

With all the talk about whether it’s better to “stay together for the kids” or split up, there’s no shortage of opinions. But what is it actually like for the people who lived through it? Recently, u/ImportantGuidance884 asked: “People who stayed in their marriage ‘for the kids,’ how did it actually turn out?” Well, the answers poured in, and the stories are as honest as they are eye-opening. Here’s what people had to say about growing up — or raising kids — in a household where parents stuck it out, for better or for worse:

1. “My parents did. They are now 80 and still hate each other and are miserable.”

—u/pacifistpotatoes

2. “When I say fondness, I mean ‘been codependent for so long it is just their life now.’ Neither could leave, and a sort of peace exists now. One of my vivid memories is of a dinner when I was a teen. My sister yelled at me, ‘Why do you always act up?’ I replied before thinking, ‘Because when they’re angry at me, at least they’re not yelling at each other.’ Fist bump of commiseration; at least we can choose to be better.”

—u/Shirami

3. “My brother and I suffered with anxiety and depression because we grew up in such a volatile environment. I get nervous if I do something wrong, break something, etc., because I’m conditioned to be shouted at and belittled, thanks to my dad. My mom always said she would leave him when we were older, but she never did. It’s an absolute shame.”

—u/Hazzeh_Bee

4. “My parents stayed together for the kids, specifically my mom. The day after she passed away, my dad commented how his ’56 years of incarceration’ were over. I will never forgive him for that comment. We quickly found out what our mom had to put up with for those 56 years, when she was no longer around for him to be a jerk to, because now he takes it out on us.”

—u/mattweb94

5. “My parents stayed together for their four children. Now, there are four very busy therapists.”

—u/SeeWhyQMark

6. “I got divorced for my kids, and it’s the best decision I have ever made. It’s better to come from a broken home than to live in a broken home. My ex-husband and I got divorced before we hated each other. Now, we are both remarried and do big life events together.”

—u/Boalts-tryingtoadult

7. “Obviously, it will all be dependent on why folks are choosing divorce and the emotional intelligence of those involved. Some people are going to be volatile no matter what the other partner is attempting to do. When people say, ‘don’t stay for the kids, it’s healthier for them to have happy parents,’ they’re not typically thinking about situations where the kids’ lives and health will be endangered by a resentful, abusive parent. Every situation is different, and there are absolutely cases where it’s better to stay at great cost than to collect enough proof for the courts afterward to stop forcing unsupervised visits.”

—u/Fumquat

8. “My parents did, and I really, really wish they hadn’t. It is worse for everyone.”

—u/tuxedo_mirage

9. “My parents did the same, and I am so angry one of them could not have been adult enough to call it, and everyone else could have moved on in peace.”

—u/ksw90

10. “My parents are the same, and they’re still together, miserable. I am so happy to be out of their home and in my own, but they still make certain parts of my life a nightmare. My wedding planning was a headache, and I’ve sworn I will never organize anything with both of them involved again. My mom keeps pushing for ‘family’ events (to keep the family together still), but I keep declining for my own sanity.”

—u/Responsible_Cloud_92

11. “My parents stayed together for us, made us think that unhealthy, unhappy relationships were normal. We all ended up in abusive relationships. They finally got divorced, but not before they seriously misguided us on what love really is.”

—u/ScrmNRn

12. “It’s all dependent. My parents did and were very civil; our home was loving, and I had no idea they had issues at all. You would have to ask them how they felt, but as a kid, I always thought everything was fine and noticed no issues in how they changed post-divorce (after I finished college). They are still kind and communicate with one another. They keep in touch, and their respective spouses are understanding (one of whom is also a divorcée with kids and gets it). I think it depends a lot on context. If there’s screaming or violence in the house, or if one or both parties cannot be decent human beings, get out. It’s not good for children to be raised in chaos. If it’s just like this isn’t optimal, but I still respect this person, and we can be kind, work together as a team, and healthily love our children, then it might be worth it. As a kid of parents who waited, I’m very grateful they did and had no idea it was coming.”

“But at 23 years old, I was able to have a candid conversation with them and had no remote feeling of it ‘being my fault.’ It introduced no instability into my life whatsoever.”

—u/[deleted]

13. “My grandparents hated each other’s guts and were increasingly less shy about showing it in company as they got older. When my grandfather was dying and asked to spend his last days at home, my grandmother initially refused until my uncle had words with her. He was only home for about a week before he passed away, but she complained relentlessly about the fact that his bed was in the living room, so she couldn’t watch TV. She could have divorced him (she had her own money), but it just wasn’t done in their generation.”

—u/Plugged_in_Baby

14. “My grandparents were mature enough to be good roommates when they stopped being soulmates (if they ever were). They worked opposite shifts and hardly saw each other, and they gave my mom a stable upbringing and a good start to adulthood. They probably would have amicably separated when she grew up and married, but then grandpa died (cancer, she did not kill him), so it wasn’t necessary.”

—u/Confident-Mix1243

15. “My parents did. Less than six months after I left for college, they split up. After that, they slowly started becoming decent human beings instead of the angry, hateful people they had been my entire childhood.”

—u/TallEnoughJones

16. “This happened to my siblings and me. My parents made each other very unhappy. We, as children, always felt their love and support toward us, but their never-ending bickering, bad-mouthing, and undermining each other did not create a warm atmosphere at home. When my dad started having affairs, things got worse, of course. Neither of them wanted to separate; they said it was for us. I feel it was mostly image and social pressure (rural religious community). They finally decided to live separately, not divorced. They are both happier now. I wish they had separated earlier. Seeing your parents being bitter and unhappy is not wholesome for children or young adults. I felt responsible for fixing it, which, of course, I could not, which messed up my life until I was about 26. I still feel my relationship with my parents isn’t as close as it could be, but I’m done trying. It’s fine, not great, and that is OK by me.”

—u/Wuppie34

17. “My parents did that. They’re now in their late 60s and late 70s. In my opinion, they are miserable (no friends or social connections, and their hobbies are mostly solo). I grew up in a house full of tension, yelling, and door slamming, constantly anxious and/or crying. I used to wish they would get divorced. They do not even hang out with each other; they do their own thing all day and even eat meals separately. They say they are fine, though.”

—u/greensandgrains

18. “Every situation is different. My husband had a host of mental and substance use disorders brought on by emotional and physical pain. I stayed for our daughter and because deep down we still truly loved each other. It got very emotionally messy, and I felt abused and manipulated at times; other times, he was caring and supportive. Plus, there were a lot of financial reasons to stay together. Despite our marital problems, he was an excellent father, always patient and kind to our daughter, who never knew our adult problems. His lifestyle and physical problems led to his death from a heart attack in his mid-50s when our daughter was 13. I do not regret staying, because our daughter has nothing but fond memories of her father.”

“Despite his death, she is a happy, well-adjusted, and confident college student now. After becoming widowed, I moved on and found a new boyfriend who has been a good stepdad and partner to me. Sometimes there is no easy, clear-cut answer; you just do the best you can.”

—u/GoneshNumber6

19. “My mom stayed ‘for the kids’ because she thought it was better than sharing split custody with my abusive father. Never mind the fact that any court-ordered child psychologist would have immediately identified my siblings and me as abused children. I now hate my father’s fucking guts and hold a lot of resentment against my mother, who knew we were being abused and was the only one who could have saved us and taken us out of that environment, and instead chose to do nothing.”

—u/small_town_cryptid

20. “My parents did. They are now in their mid-50s, living and traveling together but not in any romantic way. They act more like besties, to be honest. For context, my dad cheated when I was a teenager; he legit told my mom he didn’t love her anymore. She kicked him out and was devastated. I was old enough to understand he messed up. So even though I got along better with him than with my mom, I told him I would pick her, and so did my brother. I think that was his wake-up call. They talked and both agreed that there would no longer be anything romantic between them, yet my mom needed him to prove himself, which, in a way, he did over time. He eventually moved back in, they started joking again, and acting better than when they were supposed to be ‘in love.’ None of them seriously dated anyone and still live together now that my brother and I moved out.”

—u/jesshhiii

Did you grow up with parents who stayed together for your sake, or have you made this decision yourself? Share your experience or advice in the comments below, or fill out the anonymous form. Your response could be featured in an upcoming BuzzFeed post.

Note: Responses have been edited for length/clarity.

If you are concerned that a child is experiencing or may be in danger of abuse, you can call or text the National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-422-4453(4.A.CHILD); service can be provided in over 140 languages.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance abuse, you can call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and find more resources here.