Lifestyle
I’m a successful Black woman. So why aren’t men into me?
Want relationship advice from Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes? Email askamyandtj@yahoo.com with a question for the chance to be featured on Ask Amy & T.J. Hear more from the pair on their podcast.
Amy & T.J.,
I’m a 42-year-old Black female, 195 pounds, 5’11”. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I have natural hair and a natural body type. I’m educated and have a good career. I own my home and car and play tennis, swim and do yoga. I travel and volunteer in my community.
Yet, now, where I live in northern New Jersey and previously in Pennsylvania, North Carolina and in Westchester County, N.Y., it’s the same: I’m ignored in the dating pool. I go to singles events and join groups to no avail. I tried dating apps, but no success there either. I choose not to be on social media. I don’t have any close friends or family to make introductions. What else can I do?
My question is: What is it that men are looking for? I’m interested in both of your perspectives.
— F.
Gut reaction
T.J. Holmes: Damn, girl. The first thing you wanted to mention was your size. That’s on your mind. This is a little bit of a heartbreaker. I would like to talk to you. I would like to hug you.
AR: I can’t say for sure what men are attracted to. But I can tell you what I think it is: I think that every person gives off an energy. And if you love yourself and you think you’re putting your best foot forward, that reads as attractive. Confidence is sexy. Knowing who you are and loving who you are is sexy. When you love yourself, you become lovable. I know, it sounds cheesy, but I believe it!
On further thought…
AR: I would ask you to try to focus less on what you can do to make a man like or love you, and focus on making yourself the best version of you, so you can feel proud of yourself and love yourself. And then I think the men will come! You need to date yourself and fall in love with yourself, and then that smile on your face, the twinkle in your eyes — that will be there, and that’s attractive to other people.
TH: Your question translates to me as: “Hi Amy and T.J., what’s wrong with me?” You’re listing your whole résumé and wondering, “Why doesn’t anybody want me?” You can’t look at it that way. There is nothing on planet Earth wrong with you. It seems like you think it’s your fault that you’re not getting dates with men. I hate any time I hear that — and it seems to come from women more often than men.
The apps, the mixers — things you’ve done to meet people are fine. But relax. Don’t try so hard to be something to attract what you think you want. You think you want that guy, but you had to do what to get him? Change this, change that. Eventually, that gets you to a point where the other person realizes you’re not really who they thought you were. Be who you really are. And that will attract what you really deserve.
I would ask you to try to focus less on what you can do to make a man like or love you, and focus on making yourself the best version of you, so you can feel proud of yourself and love yourself.
AR: It’s so much easier to be yourself instead of pretending to be somebody else that you think they might be attracted to.
Maybe instead of trying to find a boyfriend, try to just find some friends. I think if you approach meeting people from that perspective, it takes the pressure off. Look around and ask if people want to hang out and go out and do things. The more you’re out, the more you’re social, the more possibility there is — you never know what will happen or who you’ll meet! But if you’re trying to force it and trying to find someone who will like you romantically, that’s so much pressure. And that pressure you’re putting on yourself is probably affecting your energy. And, in turn, that energy might be undermining your attempts to actually find a partner.
TH: We miss out if we have all those restrictions about what we want in a person. Maybe you meet somebody who’s 6’2”, but there’s a guy out there who’s 5’11” and perfect for you. You eliminate so many options for connection when you put all these restrictions in place about who you’re willing to date. And it seems like you’re putting a lot of those restrictions on yourself.
AR: In past relationships that I’ve been in, they checked all the boxes, but it didn’t work out. On paper, it looks like it’s a perfect match. And yet, when it comes down to actual personalities and energies and jibing with somebody, you can’t have a checklist. I’ve learned from experience that it is really about that unspoken connection, and you can’t really explain why or how. It’s just there. And it’s not because you look a certain way or you drive a certain car, or you live in a certain neighborhood. That’s not love. It was what you thought love was supposed to look like, versus what it actually is.
The final word
AR: Get rid of the shoulds, the checklist, all of these things that you’re saying about yourself and that you think other people won’t like. You need to get your head out of that space, because that isn’t what makes relationships strong, it isn’t what makes relationships great. Those things are only the outward elements. It’s everything that’s inside of you that matters when it comes to having a good relationship.
Amy and I sat right next to each other for years, and didn’t realize that we were going to end up together. We didn’t realize we were each other’s person. You might have that in your life.
TH: I hate that you are in some way questioning your own worth. That sucks. You want to correct some things about yourself, it seems. Look, I’m not going to address your height and weight. Because here’s the thing: That ain’t got s*** to do with s***. When you think that way, it’s like you want to correct things to check off boxes. And then what? Are you going to change your body and straighten your hair to try to attract someone? That sucks. And when you try to do that, all you’re going to attract is somebody who isn’t actually going to be attracted to who you are — which is a 5’11”, 195-pound, f***ing beauty.
I always tell folks, there’s probably somebody already floating around your life who you’re going to end up with. Amy and I sat right next to each other for years, and didn’t realize that we were going to end up together. We didn’t realize we were each other’s person. You might have that in your life. And I would ask you just to be open, to be aware, look around.
So: Go on, sister, and stop trying to be something for somebody else because you absolutely are going to attract the wrong thing.
To get advice directly from Amy and T.J., send whatever relationship question is keeping you up at night — whether it’s about friends, family, your love life or beyond — to askamyandtj@yahoo.com.