If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Kid, Your Parent May Have Been Emotionally Unavailable

Oftentimes, parents do their best, and they still miss the mark here and there. One way this can show up is by being emotionally unavailable to their kids. Emotionally unavailable people show signs like avoiding feelings in conversations, struggling or refusing to commit, doing the bare minimum and getting defensive easily. Sound familiar to your parents, maybe? 

As their kids grow up, they may realize one or both of their parents were emotionally unavailable. Believe it or not, childhood experiences affect people all through adulthood, and in very real ways. And children with emotionally unavailable parents are almost certainly impacted by their parents’ behaviors, treatments and, yes, their words. But being able to identify, acknowledge and cope with that is a whole other story.

So in order to start working through this experience, Parade spoke with psychologists about phrases that emotionally unavailable parents might say to their kids. Plus, what those words can do to children as they develop and how to deal with that as an adult.

Related: Child Psychologists Say These 9 Phrases Are Doing More Harm Than Good—Even if You Mean Well

9 Phrases That Emotionally Unavailable Parents Say to Kids, According to Psychologists

First, it can be important to both give parents grace while acknowledging the damage they caused.

“When children are upset, their parents’ goal is often to alleviate the discussion, whether it is because they feel bad for their children and want them to feel better quickly, or because it creates distress for the parent in some way,” says Dr. Natalie Bernstein, a licensed psychologist, child custody evaluator and adjunct faculty member of The Chicago School. “So, while well-intentioned, these phrases are reactive rather than empathic and can feel dismissive for children. This language provides very little to help the children learn to process their emotions.”

With that said, let’s dive into specific examples of those phrases.

1. “Just please stop crying.”

When parents aren’t able to emotionally support an emotional child, they may say phrases like this one. 

“This teaches that emotions are dangerous and shameful,” says Dr. Easton Gaines, PsyD, a New York State clinical psychologist and founder of MindCare Psychology. “As adults, this can lead to emotional suppression, fear of vulnerability and difficulty trusting their own feelings.”

2. “You’re too sensitive.”

This phrase puts the blame back on the kid and can pressure them to stop crying too. 

“This dismisses the child’s inner world and wires them to believe their feelings are ‘wrong,’” Dr. Gaines says. “Many grow up doubting their instincts and over-editing themselves in relationships to avoid seeming like ‘too much.’”

Related: People Who Were Told They Were ‘Too Sensitive’ as Children Usually Develop These 14 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

3. “Don’t be dramatic.”

Similar to “You’re too sensitive,” a phrase like this frames emotional experiences as overreactions, Dr. Gaines says, which can cause kids to be deeply uncomfortable when they express themselves.

“As adults, these individuals may minimize their own needs or only express emotions when they feel 100 percent justified,” she adds. 

That might look like not talking about their emotions as much or saying things are “fine” when they’re not.

4. “You’re fine. Stop overthinking it.”

Again, while perhaps well-intentioned, this phrase is littered with invalidation. 

“This communicates that emotional attunement is not available and that external comfort will be scarce,” Dr. Gaines says. 

Later on, having heard these phrases as a kid can lead to extreme self-reliance, she adds, which is often isolating.

Related: People Who Were ‘Emotionally Neglected’ in Childhood Often Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

5. “You think you have it bad? You have no idea what I went through as a child. Consider yourself lucky.”

Like the other phrases, the concern with this one is the underlying message it sends. 

“A statement like this sends a message to children that their pain is measurable and comparable, therefore not as great or ‘worth’ addressing,” Dr. Bernstein says.

While it can be hard to understand, and even if it seems like “no big deal,” remember that a child’s pain is very real for them.

6. “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”

In some cases, parents may be more emotionally attentive to some siblings than others. Knowing this can be a helpful validation for the child who hears statements like this one.

“This type of comment again offers the suggestion that the upset child is different and essentially wrong for having strong emotion,” Dr. Bernstein explains the harm in this phrase. “A bother, not as good or easy as the other sibling, who is painted in a favorable light.”

Related: People Who Were Constantly Compared to Siblings in Childhood Often Develop These 7 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

7. “Wait until you become an adult and have real problems.”

Similar to the “You think you have it bad?” comment, phrases like this keep a parent from attending to their child emotionally, and, within that, cause harm. It can make them invalidate their feelings or feel as though they’ll always be judged for expressing them.

“This quip diminishes the child’s experience as silly and insignificant, sending a message that things will only become worse with age,” Dr. Bernstein says. 

She also points out that as these children grow up, they may struggle to manage their emotions as adults because they weren’t taught how to as kids.

8. “I’m doing the best I can.”

It very well may be true that a parent is doing the best they can, and that means something. At the same time, this phrase doesn’t leave any space for hearing the child out or trying harder. 

“This is often said to get the children to stop talking, implying that there is no room or ability for the parent to change their behavior,” Dr. Bernstein says. “There’s simply no option.”

9. “Go outside and play, or go do something else. I’m too busy for this.”

Parents get busy and need moments alone. That’s fair. But comments like this—especially when they become a pattern, or are used in very serious moments—can also hurt the child. 

“Similar to the others, the children’s distress is not important enough for the parents to address,” Dr. Bernstein says.

Bonus: Not saying anything, or withdrawing in moments of distress

The harm isn’t always in the words, Dr. Gaines says. It can also be in their absence.

“A parent going quiet, walking away or shutting down teaches the child: ‘When I’m hurting, I’m alone,’” she continues. “This can lead to adult patterns of emotional self-abandonment.”

Related: 7 Phrases That Work Better Than the Silent Treatment, According to Experts

How To Cope With Having Had an Emotionally Unavailable Parent

As mentioned, growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent can complicate emotional experiences later on in life. These individuals may not allow themselves to express their emotions, and/or they may completely ignore them, Dr. Bernstein says. 

Don’t be fooled, though: There is hope for growth and healing. Ahead, she and Dr. Gaines share their top tips for coping.

Name the wound

Being honest with yourself about what happened and how you feel is almost always the first step. For example, you might tell yourself, “My parent was emotionally unavailable to me growing up, and that makes me feel insecure.”

Psychoeducation and reframing can be comforting next steps. For example, saying “This is emotional neglect, not a flaw in me,” can be meaningful, Dr. Gaines says. She believes it’s a “powerful first step in separating your worth from your upbringing.”

Dr. Bernstein says something similar.

“Recognize that how your parents respond is not a reflection on you, but a reflection on their own inability to tolerate strong emotion,” she shares.

Related: 9 Ways to Begin Your Emotion Regulation Journey as an Adult, According to a Licensed Therapist

Work on becoming more comfortable with emotions and emotional expression

Emotions are a part of being human, Dr. Bernstein says, and they don’t deserve judgment. She encourages accepting and expressing your emotions, as well as learning how to be comfortable in discomfort. 

First, learn what emotions people experience.

“Look up an emotions wheel and start by writing down three emotions you experienced throughout the day, just to start recognizing and becoming more comfortable,” Dr. Bernstein suggests.

Practice self-expression

After growing up in a household where you may not have felt emotionally safe, heard or comforted, self-expression can be difficult or even feel unnatural. In that situation, Dr. Gaines encourages finding people who have the space to handle your emotions helpfully, and then taking baby steps with them. 

“Build relationships (or start in therapy) where your emotions are met with curiosity, not criticism,” she says. “Practice sharing feelings in small doses and tracking how it feels when they’re received.”

Re-parent yourself

Whatever you needed to hear from a parent, either then as a kid or now as an adult, say it to yourself. Dr. Gaines suggests phrases like “Your feelings make sense” and “I’m here with you,” especially in moments of distress. 

“It may feel awkward at first,” she acknowledges, “but it rewires your inner dialogue.”

Related: A Clinical Psychologist Is Begging ‘People-Pleasers’ To Start Doing This One Thing

Release the perfection rule

Feel like you need to be perfectly calm or justified before expressing an emotion? Try to release that belief, Dr. Gaines says, and replace it with “I’m allowed to feel this way.”

Practice self-soothing and create repair rituals

If and when you catch yourself shutting down or dismissing an emotion, Dr. Gaines encourages pausing, naming it and offering yourself connection. You can do this through journaling, breathwork or calling a safe person.

Improve your communication skills

Whether it’s with your parents, kids or other loved ones, focusing on healthier, more effective communication is key. Relationships are a part of life, and how we engage with others matters.

“The more support and open conversations you have with others, the more supportive and encouraging it can feel,” Dr. Bernstein says.

Accept the reality

Even with all of the work you do on yourself, and despite how many conversations you may have with your parents, it’s important to keep in mind that we can only change ourselves. 

“Understand that your parents may never change, but that doesn’t mean you have to revert back to withholding your emotions,” Dr. Bernstein explains. “Just hold realistic expectations about how your family will show up to avoid disappointment.”

Holding two seemingly opposing truths is another part of acknowledging the (complicated) reality of a situation. 

“Chances are your parents weren’t intending to be harsh; they just didn’t know anything different,” she says. “You can love your parents, but still feel disappointed in how you were treated.”

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Related: The Biggest Obstacle To Repairing a Parent and Adult-Child Relationship, Psychologist Says

Sources:

This story was originally reported by Parade on Sep 9, 2025, where it first appeared in the Life section. Add Parade as a Preferred Source by clicking here.