‘I love you too much to let you talk to me like that’ — and other lines that can help parents set better boundaries with their kids

“Just five more minutes!” “I’ll do my chores later.” “But my friend’s mom lets him stay up late!” If you’re a parent, chances are these responses are all too familiar when you try to hold firm on a boundary you’ve set. And while it’s natural for kids to push back, especially as they become more independent, it’s just as important for parents to set reasonable limits — and stick with them.

In the sixth episode of their podcast, After Bedtime With Big Little Feelings, Big Little Feelings founders Deena Margolin, a child therapist specializing in interpersonal neurobiology, and Kristin Gallant, a parenting coach with a background in maternal and child education, along with their special guest, parenting expert Aliza Pressman, unpack one of the biggest parenting struggles: How do you set limits and still have a close relationship with your kid? Margolin shares how to find that parenting sweet spot for Yahoo’s After After Bedtime column.

On our podcast, Aliza Pressman said something that stopped us in our tracks: The three most important things in parenting? Relationship. Relationship. Relationship.

Why? Because science shows that a secure, connected relationship with a parent literally shapes a child’s developing brain. It’s what builds resilience. It’s what helps kids bounce back after hard moments. It’s what allows them to grow into emotionally healthy adults.

But here’s where most of us get stuck: How do you build that kind of connected relationship while also holding real boundaries around things like screen time, chores, how we speak to each other and more?

Because the truth is, you can have the most loving, open relationship in the world — and still have to say, “No, you can’t scroll TikTok until midnight.” You can be emotionally attuned and still not let your kid talk to you like a punching bag when they’re frustrated.

Why boundaries actually build connection

Here’s the twist most of us didn’t learn growing up: Boundaries are not the opposite of love. They’re a deep expression of it.

When you set consistent, respectful limits with your child, especially when they push back, you’re not shutting them down. You’re showing them that their world is safe, predictable and stable. That you can handle their biggest emotions and that you’re not going anywhere.

And yep, they will push against those boundaries. Not because they want to defy you, but because they want to make sure the limits are real. That you’ll still be there, even when they fall apart.

So what does this actually look like?

Let’s say you’ve set a boundary around screen time. Your tween throws a fit, slams the door and says you’re ruining their life.

Your job isn’t to back down in the name of “connection.” And it’s not to punish or shame them in the name of “respect.” It’s to hold the boundary and hold space for their emotions.

You can say: “I get that you’re upset. I’d be mad too if I was in the middle of something I liked and got interrupted. The rule is still no screens after 8, and I’m here if you need to be mad about it.”

This is the parenting sweet spot: calm, clear limits and emotional availability.

What connection with boundaries can sound like:

Remember: Kids need boundaries for the same reason they need bedtime routines and seat belts — they help them feel safe. But boundaries without connection feel cold. And connection without boundaries feels chaotic.

Our kids don’t need perfection. They need to know: My parent sees me, hears me and isn’t afraid to lead the way — even when it’s hard.