My husband of 2 years is suddenly telling people he married me out of obligation. How do I deal?

Longtime journalists Amy Robach and T.J. Holmes have faced their fair share of relationship hurdles. It’s been loving humor and an unflinching commitment to being real with one another that keep them going strong. Now, they’re here to share their battle-tested expertise with you, in Ask Amy & T.J., a new relationship advice column from Yahoo. You can also hear more from Amy and T.J. on their podcast.

Amy & T.J.,

I am 60 years old and my husband of less than two years has been telling his family and friends — in my presence — that he married me out of a sense of obligation.

We had an eight-year relationship prior to getting married. He told me upfront that he didn’t want to remarry. I struggled with this privately but, with counseling, came to accept his terms. Not long after, he proposed out of the blue.

The “obligation” narrative is new. The first time he relayed this to his family, I expressed dismay and surprise, but not anger (I kept my cool). Now he’s repeating this narrative to his close friends. He doesn’t seem to understand how painful this is for me. What should I do?

— Jennifer M.

Gut reaction

Amy Robach: That’s not just a private rejection; that’s public humiliation. That’s extremely painful. You have to address it.

T.J. Holmes: This seems like a really bizarre thing for your husband to say in front of you, his spouse, knowing good-and-hell-well how damaging that would be for you to hear.

On further thought …

TH: Look, I recognize that people have bad moments, and maybe that’s what was going on with your husband when he said this. The scenario in which he’s saying these things might make a difference in how seriously you should take his statement. Was he out at a party? Was he trying to be funny in front of his boys? Was everybody drinking? Sometimes people say things they shouldn’t in those kinds of situations. Has your marriage been solid and good up to this point? Because if so, maybe his painful comments about obligation don’t sum up the entirety of your 10-year relationship. It’s true that everybody has some issues in their marriage.

That said, no matter what he’s feeling, I absolutely take issue with him doing it in front of other people. That’s humiliating, it’s not respectful and it’s tone-deaf. It shows a lack of self-awareness. How could he not know what that would do to you? He’s essentially announcing, “I actually didn’t want to marry the person I’ve been married to for the past two years.” That is s***ty.

It breaks my heart to think that you might be holding onto a guy who’s saying these things. If he confided these feelings about marriage to you, maybe the two of you could talk through it and overcome that obstacle. But him saying this to other people is a sign of disrespect that is going to lead to resentment that you just can’t come back from. I’m sorry to say it, Jennifer, but to me, that’s a relationship killer.

AR: I agree. When you lose respect for your partner, it’s over. It’s almost impossible to get back. And if your husband thinks that telling people he married you out of obligation is funny, it’s not. It’s devastating. You need to tell him how you feel. I know you did once, and I commend you for that. But if you want to salvage this marriage, I think you have to follow up with questions and find out what is really going on.

Sometimes, in relationships, people are afraid to say the truth to one another. And so, having other people present may make your husband feel like he has a kind of protection. Like, when you go to therapy, you can say things, and the other partner is like, “You never told me that.” People sometimes say things in front of other people that they actually mean, but have been afraid to say to their partner’s face. If you want to work through this problem, Jennifer, I think you have to be curious and ask your husband where this is coming from.

But if this has happened multiple times — and it sounds like it has — that pain you’re feeling isn’t going to go away and that resentment is only going to build. You need to sit him down and say, “I need to understand why you’re telling people this. I feel so rejected and humiliated when you tell people this. But, if you really are feeling this way, do you still want to be married to me?” You need to know his answer to that question.

The final word

AR: It’s hard to ask these questions because you may not want to know the answer. Maybe you already know the answer he’s going to give you. And that’s scary. It may make you wonder, “I’m 60, am I ever going to find love? Is this my last and best shot at it, even if it makes me feel slightly humiliated?” That might seem better than being alone, but I would disagree with that.

TH: Obviously, only you can choose which is better. People do this in relationships all the time. We — Amy and I — have done it: staying in a marriage or relationship for some reason other than our own happiness. People try to stay in unhappy marriages until their kids graduate high school, or until this or that happens. I get it. People have legitimate reasons to stay. But it’s not over just because you lose this person. And aren’t you better off being happy on your own than being with somebody who doesn’t actually want to be with you? Amy and I would give everybody this advice: You do have another shot.

To get advice directly from Amy and T.J., send whatever relationship question is keeping you up at night — whether it’s about friends, family, your love life or beyond — to askamyandtj@yahoo.com.