In my culture, you need your parents’ blessing to get married. Should I tell them about my secret boyfriend?

Long after their breakups, even stars like Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are still dealing with loose ends and singledom — and it can certainly get complicated. Whether it’s lingering feelings, co-parenting or just their continued existence, if you’ve got ex problems, ask for Amy and T.J.’s advice at askamyandtj@yahoo.com. If you want to hear more from Amy and T.J., check out their podcast.

Amy & T.J.,

I’m in my late 20s and I’ve been dating my partner for almost a year. I’m head over heels and truly believe he might be “the one.” The problem is my parents. I come from a culture where family approval is considered essential before marriage.

Because my partner and I come from different backgrounds, I worry that my parents won’t accept him — they don’t even know I’m in a serious relationship.

I’m torn between telling them now or waiting until we’re engaged. I don’t want to cause unnecessary conflict, but I also don’t want to keep such a big part of my life from them. What would you do in my position?

— Kai

Gut reaction

Amy Robach: Kai, you should involve your parents in this decision now, because the longer you wait, the more your parents will feel hurt that they aren’t a part of your life.

T.J. Holmes: Speaking from experience, one of the biggest mistakes that Amy and I made when we first started dating was not involving the people who love and support us the most: our families.

On further thought…

TJH: Kai, you need to go talk to your parents. Do not hesitate one second, because every moment that you’re not telling them what’s going on in your life is hurting them.

How many times have we seen it in shows like Love Island and 90 Day Fiancé? People are so worried about what their parents are going to think of their relationships. But as soon as they tell them, the parents embrace them and say, “I love you, you are my child.” And if you love your parents, if you respect them, then you are not showing them love and respect by keeping these people who are so close to you out of the loop about a relationship that’s important to you.

AR: Parental support and family support are so important to a relationship, and it helps to get it earlier rather than later. You don’t want your family to think that you’ve been keeping something from them for a year; it’s just going to make them feel more hurt and, if anything, less likely to be accepting of your partner. If you surprise them with, “Here’s a guy I’ve been dating and, by the way, we’re engaged,” that’s so hard for parents to digest — especially a parent who wanted to be included in that decision.

And, speaking from a parent’s perspective: You might have a certain idea of what you want for your kid, but when you can see that your kid is happy and is genuinely being loved by their partner, you will come to support them. So I worry that by not introducing your boyfriend to your family sooner, you may be inadvertently implying that there is a reason why they won’t like him. You might be making it worse for yourself (and your boyfriend) because the delay might make your parents wonder, “If he’s so great, why didn’t you bring him around?” And if your boyfriend feels like you’re hiding him, that has to damage him too.

TJH: If I were your boyfriend and we were serious enough to be thinking about getting engaged, and I hadn’t met your parents, I would be asking, “Are you ashamed of me?”

This secret is causing constant tension for everyone involved, but you have a chance to fix that.

Amy and I didn’t get the luxury of talking to our parents about our relationship. They found out before we got the chance to tell them. We talked about how we would tell them, but never got to. And how do you prepare for that conversation? You just do it. You don’t make a big deal of it; you talk to them like you have talked to them your whole life. They love their child, and maybe they’re going to be pissed or disappointed for a moment, but then they’ll say, “We love you. When can we meet him?”

AR: I think this is also about believing in yourself and your relationship. Ask yourself, “Is this the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with?” And then go to your parents and tell them, “I have some really exciting news, but I wanted to be sure he was somebody I loved and who loves me, who I think I could spend my life with, and I want you to meet him because he’s wonderful and makes me so happy. I can’t wait to share him with you.”

You keep it positive. Don’t act like the relationship was some hidden secret.

The final word

AR: Secrets eat you up. They destroy people and relationships, and that’s what could happen if you don’t rectify this soon and tell your parents.

TJH: Speaking of which, Amy, you got anything now, any secrets you want to get off your chest?

AR: How could I even possibly have any secrets from you? We spend every second together.