Lifestyle
If Your Parents or Grandparents Did These 7 Things When You Were a Kid, You’re Probably an Anxious Adult
Anxiety can make you feel lonely but know that you are not alone.
Anxiety disorders affect almost half (40.1%) of U.S. adults—around 40 million people—each year, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. If you are one of the 40 million, you know it’s not an easy way to live.
“Anxiety is a combination of two major processes,” explains Dr. Michael Adelman, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with Mindpath Health.
He says you’ll experience excessive worry that makes it hard to do what you need to do to function daily. You may also experience physical symptoms, like a racing heart, in response to stressful daily events or tasks. We likely don’t have to tell you, though.
Still, despite how common anxiety and overthinking is in the U.S., we can’t pinpoint a precise reason why it happens to some people and not others. However, it can begin in childhood. Your upbringing—the caregiving style you received or traits you witnessed in parents or grandparents—can have long-lasting effects. Certainly, there are overt traits and issues—physical abuse, substance use disorders and neglect. However, other issues—while perhaps more subtle—can also contribute to anxiety in adulthood. You don’t have to “it-could-be-worse” yourself out of acknowledging what happened and getting help.
Mental health experts aren’t surprised when anxious adults tell them their parents or grandparents did these seven things when they were growing up.
Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist
7 Things in Childhood That Can Make You an Anxious Adult
1. Your parents/grandparents displayed anxious behavior
Anxiety isn’t a virus, but it can be contagious.
“Parents who experience anxiety and do not work to explore and manage their thoughts and feelings around their anxiety enhance the likelihood that their children will adopt similar anxious ways through modeling,” says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., a licensed child and parenting psychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center.
He explains that anxious behavior becomes normalized because children learn to manage emotions from their adult caregivers.
Related: A Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist Is Begging People With Anxiety To Try This 3-Minute Coping Strategy
2. Excessively critical parenting
Kids who feel they can’t do a thing right likely find their self-esteem in the basement. Low self-esteem can open the door and welcome in long-term anxiety that continues into adulthood.
“The child develops a pattern of being critical of themself, an inability to take in compliments when they are expressed and uncertainties that are the foundation of anxiety,” Dr. Biller warns.
3. Overly restrictive or authoritarian parenting
Super-strict parenting—never letting a kid have a drop-off playdate or climb a tree—makes it impossible for kids to explore their world safely. As a result, they’re more likely to become anxious. Dr. Biller says.
He adds that authoritarian parenting is one style that research links to increased odds of eating disorders in girls, which can become evident in late adolescence and adulthood.
Related: ‘I Struggled With Anxiety for Decades,’ Mel Robbins Reveals—Here’s What Made the Biggest Difference (Exclusive)
4. No structure
On the other end of the spectrum, a lack of structure in childhood can also raise the odds that someone becomes anxious as an adult.
“Boundaries and structure are necessary for children and adolescents to experience safety and security, which is a fundamental need,” Dr. Biller says.
Without the structure, he explains that insecurities increase, and anxiety symptoms are more likely to drag on.
Related: ‘I’m a Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist—Here’s What I Wish All Women Over 50 Knew About Anxiety’
5. Enabling
Enabling isn’t just about letting a child do whatever they want (see: no structure). There can be an emotional component. Dr. Adelman says parents and grandparents who enable children are strongly affected by a child’s distress and team up with them to avoid the feeling. The child learns that negative emotional reactions aren’t to be challenged—a key cog in emotional regulation in healthy adults—but obeyed.
“This leads to patterns of anxiety and avoidance that often lead to less and less engagement and set the stage for adolescent and young adult behavioral patterns that feed the strength of the anxiety response by continued behavioral avoidance of any stress-inducing situation,” he explains.
Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions
6. Lack of emotional validation
Enabling doesn’t help, but Dr. Adelman says you’re also likely to become anxious if your grown-ups disregarded your feelings in childhood. Responses like “toughen up” or “get over it” fit that bill and may have made it harder for “little you” to feel safe voicing your concerns and working from a place of power and control to regulate your emotions and anxiety. So, it’s unsurprising that “adult you” also struggles with anxiety—you were never given the power to learn.
7. Focus on the outcome, on the investment
Sometimes, kids need an “A” for effort—even if the report card says “C.”
Dr. Adelman says that a hyper-focus on sports performance, grades and even social standing without a tailored investment in a child (which helps them feel seen) lays the foundation for anxiety. He explains that people raised in these settings are highly sensitive to negative events and emotions and anxious.
Related: What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For, According to Psychologists
How To Heal
1. Nurture emotional attachments
Dr. Adelman says it’s important to invest in relationships that bring you joy and connection, especially if you had negative attachments to parents, grandparents or other caregivers early in life. The goal is to challenge negative attachments and break cycles.
“Learn over time which relationships bring you enjoyment and happiness and build your self-esteem,” he suggests. “Take time to invest in these relationships and build awareness of the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behind their health.”
Related: 13 Lies People Tell Themselves That Do More Harm Than Good, Psychologists Warn
2. Avoid avoidance
According to Dr. Adelman, continuing to engage (even when it’s hard) is a pillar of coping with anxiety in adulthood. While avoiding something because you’re anxious might seem like a good solution in the moment, chronically restricting your world can only make things worse. Plus, facing the issue helps you build perseverance. It won’t be easy, though.
“Be gentle with yourself in this process,” he stresses. “Make sure to both be aware of and validate your own emotional response, but be cautious not to invest too much in it.”
Related: 14 Habits of People Who Never (Or Rarely) Get Anxious, According to Therapists
3. Explore your anxiety with a therapist
You’ve been living like this for a while and may need some help learning how to cope and heal.
“Therapists are neutral parties that assist us in exploring the intersection of our histories and our current functioning,” Dr. Biller says. “While assisting us in exploring our thoughts and feelings, within a safe container, professional therapists also are able to assist in building coping strategies that enable us to manage thoughts and feelings which we seek to change.”
Up Next:
Related: People Who Felt Constantly Scolded as Children Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say
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Lifestyle
Moment Rescue Cockatoo Finally Climbs on Mom’s Shoulder After 2 Years Has Everyone Sobbing
Everyone loves a good rescue story, but some pets don’t immediately open up. It takes a loving, patient parent to ease their fears so they’ll learn to trust again. Rescued Cockatoo, Chloe, is one of those pets, and it’s taken 780 days to finally do the one thing these birds are known for—and it’s a beautiful moment.
If you’re in need of a heartwarming, tear-jerker of a video, this is it. Watch as Chloe chooses to take the leap and trust that her new mom will never hurt her, and will remain a steadfast, loving figure she can count on.
Chloe’s been in her new home since January 2023, and is just now beginning to understand she is safe. This sweet girl’s progress to let love in has been slow, and not always “linear,” as @apparrotly shares, but she’s still grateful for any progress at all.
In a previous clip, the timid Cockatoo let Mom pet her for the very first time—14 months after her rescue, and when Chloe first got close enough to explore Mom’s feet, she shared the clip explaining, “Chloe doesn’t let me touch her or even move my hands around her when I’m looking at her.”
So as you can see, it’s been quite a journey to get to this point, but Chloe’s getting there little by little. The video brought longtime fans who’ve followed Chloe’s story to tears.
“She’s gonna be your sidekick I know it,” famous Cockatoo Cumulus’ Mom wrote. Another added, “I am literally crying! I have been watching you build this relationship for so long!” And another offered praise writing, “I knew she would eventually get there. Trust, love and a lot or patience can overcome so much.”
Related: Precious Cockatoo Loves His Doctor So Much He Sings a Special Song About Her
How To Help a Rescue Cockatoo Adjust
Chloe’s journey is inspiring, but it’s taken a lot of work to help the reserved Cockatoo get where she’s at. Northwest Parrot Rescue explains that the acclimation process in a new home can be done in a few steps, and the first 72 hours are crucial for setting the tone.
The first is to create trust and bonding. Keep your bird in an uncovered cage for 48 hours to become familiar with the new surroundings and only the adopter should feed, water, and care for and speak softly to him/her. This is very important for forming a bond.
On the second day, only the adopter should open the cage and let the Parrot out on their own volition. The home should be distraction-free and quiet. Asks the bird to step onto your hand to slowly walk through the house. No one else should be involved. again, this matters!
Step two is strengthening the bond. The adopter shouldn’t show affection to any other pet in the home for the first three days to avoid jealousy and unwanted behavioral issues. Also, avoid responding to the Parrot if they’re making loud cries or unwanted phrases. Now’s the time for boundary-setting.
They may be acting out to see what they can get away with or to get attention—just like kids! Practice positive reinforcement by rewarding them with time out of their cage for being quiet. Do this for 30 days to set the routine. Likewise, ensure you’re giving them plenty of attention when they are out because Parrot species require a lot of dedicated time with their main person.
The org suggests offering attention in small increments of 10-15 minutes at first so any schedule changes don’t throw them off. Cuddling should be 30 minutes or less and be consistent. Parrots thrive on scheduling and consistency so if any of these things are broken in the first week home, they state to start over.
Some rescues just need a little more time to adjust, and that’s okay. Look at Chloe. 780 days later, she’s finally able to give Mom the same love in return.
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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went for our annual checkups seven months ago. We were both overweight and told by our respective doctors that we needed to make some lifestyle changes to improve our health. Since that time, I have made the needed changes. As a result, I have lost 40 pounds, and all of my vitals are in a healthy range.
My wife has not made any changes. There has been no weight loss, and she has to take medication for a couple of issues. While I have made sacrifices, she has made excuses. I love her dearly, but I am very frustrated. I have been positive and encouraging, but it doesn’t seem to help.
We are both at an age at which we need to take our health seriously. This isn’t about looks or appearance; it’s about health. I really want us to have long and healthy lives together. If there is any advice you can provide, I am open to hearing it. — FITTER IN INDIANA
DEAR FITTER: Other than modeling healthy exercise and eating habits for your wife, there is nothing you can do to force her off the trajectory she is on. Changing one’s lifestyle (or not) is a personal choice. Motivation has to come from within, and she has to be determined to make the effort. Her doctor, not you, should discuss making those changes with her and the reasons for it. Even small changes can make a big difference.
DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old great-granddaughter, “Emma.” She’s beautiful, smart, happy and just wonderful. Her dad, my grandson, and her mother are no longer together, but they share custody. My grandson has since gotten together with Baby Mama No. 2 and has two other children with her.
Emma’s life has not been the easiest because of the fighting and disagreements. Her mother is also with another man and has other children. Her mom’s boyfriend is not nice to Emma. My grandson is trying to get full custody of her.
Emma is bright and intelligent. I would like to talk to her about independence and not depending on any man to support her. I know at 7 she’s still too young to understand. What is a good age to teach her independence and how to provide for herself, and rather than “need” a man, it’s healthier to be with someone without depending on him? — HER “GEE-GEE” IN COLORADO
DEAR “GEE-GEE”: This is not a one-time lesson you are trying to convey. It’s a lifelong process. The first thing you should do is become a role model for Emma. Expose her to books and videos about women who are independent, building careers and lives for themselves rather than depending upon a man. Then teach her self-respect. If you do, those are lessons she will take with her into adulthood.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
Until you’ve lived with a partner, you haven’t fully discovered all of their intricacies and quirks. And sometimes, that might just be for the best. Redditor SeasonBeneficial5871 asked, “What’s the weirdest thing you’ve discovered about your partner only after moving in together?” Here’s what people said.
1.“My partner secretly freaks out whenever I’m cooking, and the stove is set any higher than medium-low. If I walk away for more than one second, he’ll turn it down but he doesn’t say anything.”
Stove burner with blue and orange flames heating a pot
—0317
2.“She eats Oreos by taking a tall glass and filling it about three-quarters full of cookies; then she fills the glass with milk. She then waits about five minutes, stirs it all into a slurry, and eats it like a soup.”
Cookies and an opened package are on a table next to a bowl of milk
—MrdnBrd19
3.“I had an ex who would wait until the last minute to shower and get ready but refused to use a towel to speed up the process. She’d slather herself in baby oil while still wet and wait for both of them to airdry before even starting her hair or makeup.”
—Careless-Passion991
4.“He sleeps like a vampire; sleeping on his back, with his arms straight by his sides or folded on his chest. Every. Single. Night. Some nights, he doesn’t even change his position at all. I was seriously concerned during the first couple of nights that we slept in the same bed.”
—Rag1ngRedHead
5.“He wanted to put all the cutlery just straight into a drawer without any divides between knives, forks, and spoons. Just… All in there in a mess.”
A dishwasher cutlery basket with various forks, knives, and spoons next to an open utensil drawer with organized silverware
—thekingofwintre
6.“My ex slept with his eyes slightly open. The first night, I thought he died. The second night, I almost performed an exorcism.”
—Relative_Action_1711
7.“While I’m cooking, he insists on opening the oven MULTIPLE TIMES to check if it’s ready. It makes me fume.”
Pizza baking on an oven rack, pepperoni visible. Person holding a cloth, possibly preparing to remove the pizza
—geek_the_greek
8.“After washing the dishes, he goes to the bathroom and washes his hands. Both the kitchen and bathroom have hand soap.”
—Lil_boba4
9.“She doesn’t talk in her sleep but she hums. Sometimes I can make out the tune. Last night it was Pink Pony Club.”
Two people sleeping in bed, covered by a quilt, with a bedside table holding a lamp and a phone
—Pleasant-Finish8892
10.“I always thought that when movies or TV shows feature someone talking in their sleep, and they just spout random, silly nonsense, that it was mostly for comedic effect and wasn’t really a reflection of real life. Nope. My partner talks in his sleep, and it’s always just absolutely random, silly nonsense. The most recent one was, in a tone of dismay, ‘There’s ice cream all over the stairs…’ followed by a drawn-out ‘broooooooo.’ He also periodically giggles in his sleep, which, frankly, is one of the most adorable things I’ve ever seen from another human.”
—T3nacityDog
11.“He was 37 and still didn’t have a ‘spot’ or ‘home’ for his keys and wallet when he got home from work or wherever. He just randomly placed them in two separate random spots. Never the same spot. Panic ensued every single morning.”
A set of various keys and a car key fob lies on a patterned tablecloth
—spacecadetpep
12.“He wakes up every night to find something to eat from the fridge while half asleep. And he drops food all the way from the fridge back to bed.”
Person in pajamas looking inside an open refrigerator in a dimly lit kitchen
—OldFun9706
13.“He makes up songs about everything he’s doing/seeing/thinking about. I know where he’s been in the apartment because he’ll make up a song about ketchup after grabbing something from the fridge or sing a song about moisturizer while doing his skincare. And, of course, he tends to make up silly songs about me most of all.”
—Former-Cat8735
14.“My boyfriend essentially needs blizzard conditions to sleep (ceiling fan, side fan, completely naked). Sometimes puts an ice pack under his pillow. He also puts blizzard sound effects on his earphones to drop them off. If I’m there, he also constantly hugs, squeezes, or wraps himself around me…”
Person sleeping in a wooden bed, covered with a striped blanket, as morning light shines through the window
“…We only lived together for a week at a time before. As I need basically the opposite conditions (warm, layered pajamas, untouched, silence), we’re not compatible with sharing a sleeping space. So in a couple of months, we’re getting a two-bedroom place together so we both get to sleep and not want to murder each other.”
—sugar0coated
15.“She leaves small amounts of food in their containers instead of finishing them off. Cereal, chips, milk. It’s infuriating. Putting up with it for 18 years. It’s not worth fighting over. I know that if I really want something to eat, I expect it not to have a servings worth before I open it. And, once she gets it that low, she won’t finish it off. I either finish it or throw it away.”
Various food containers are organized on shelves inside a refrigerator
—Big-Bruizzer
16.“He will occasionally (usually when I’m not around to be appalled) eat dry tortellini straight out of the bag when he’s reading in bed. Dry. Tortellini.”
A plastic container filled with uncooked tortellini arranged neatly, sitting on a marble surface
—WorldWideWig
17.“She doesn’t fully close cabinets or lids. She’ll leave out a jar of anything (jelly, peanut butter, etc) and give the lid a quarter turn, then call it a day.”
Open kitchen cabinet filled with jars and containers of food items like pasta, grains, spices, and canned goods neatly arranged on shelves
—deleted
18.“He has a snot shirt. When he gets any kind of respiratory sickness, he takes a shirt out and puts it on his nightstand and blows his nose in it during the night. He says it’s cheaper and softer than tissues.”
—DeiselXBurna
19.“He set tons of alarms, none of which actually wake him up.”
A finger reaches to tap a bell icon on a smartphone screen displaying “07:00,” likely dismissing or snoozing an alarm
—brooklynskyeee
20.“Every single cup of coffee is left a quarter full around the apartment.”
A cup of frothy hot chocolate on a speckled black surface with a rainbow glare effect nearby
—aDi_19850722
21.“We have a shoe rack. He has never used it. He prefers instead to discard his shoes in a semicircle around the front door like a booby trap for me, his incredibly clumsy fiancée. I love him even though my life is constantly at risk.”
—RealLochNessie
What surprising or bizarre habit or tendency did you learn about a partner only after moving in together? Tell us in the comments or in this anonymous form.
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