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If Your Parents or Grandparents Did These 7 Things When You Were a Kid, You’re Probably an Anxious Adult

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Anxiety can make you feel lonely but know that you are not alone.

Anxiety disorders affect almost half (40.1%) of U.S. adults—around 40 million people—each year, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America. If you are one of the 40 million, you know it’s not an easy way to live.

“Anxiety is a combination of two major processes,” explains Dr. Michael Adelman, MD, a child and adolescent psychiatrist with Mindpath Health.

He says you’ll experience excessive worry that makes it hard to do what you need to do to function daily. You may also experience physical symptoms, like a racing heart, in response to stressful daily events or tasks. We likely don’t have to tell you, though.

Still, despite how common anxiety and overthinking is in the U.S., we can’t pinpoint a precise reason why it happens to some people and not others. However, it can begin in childhood. Your upbringing—the caregiving style you received or traits you witnessed in parents or grandparents—can have long-lasting effects. Certainly, there are overt traits and issues—physical abuse, substance use disorders and neglect. However, other issues—while perhaps more subtle—can also contribute to anxiety in adulthood. You don’t have to “it-could-be-worse” yourself out of acknowledging what happened and getting help. 

Mental health experts aren’t surprised when anxious adults tell them their parents or grandparents did these seven things when they were growing up.

Related: How To Stop Worrying That Someone Is Mad at You, According to a Psychologist

7 Things in Childhood That Can Make You an Anxious Adult

1. Your parents/grandparents displayed anxious behavior

Anxiety isn’t a virus, but it can be contagious. 

“Parents who experience anxiety and do not work to explore and manage their thoughts and feelings around their anxiety enhance the likelihood that their children will adopt similar anxious ways through modeling,” says Dr. Brett Biller, Psy.D., a licensed child and parenting psychologist with Hackensack University Medical Center.

He explains that anxious behavior becomes normalized because children learn to manage emotions from their adult caregivers.

Related: A Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist Is Begging People With Anxiety To Try This 3-Minute Coping Strategy

2. Excessively critical parenting

Kids who feel they can’t do a thing right likely find their self-esteem in the basement. Low self-esteem can open the door and welcome in long-term anxiety that continues into adulthood.

“The child develops a pattern of being critical of themself, an inability to take in compliments when they are expressed and uncertainties that are the foundation of anxiety,” Dr. Biller warns.

3. Overly restrictive or authoritarian parenting

Super-strict parenting—never letting a kid have a drop-off playdate or climb a tree—makes it impossible for kids to explore their world safely. As a result, they’re more likely to become anxious. Dr. Biller says.

He adds that authoritarian parenting is one style that research links to increased odds of eating disorders in girls, which can become evident in late adolescence and adulthood.

Related: ‘I Struggled With Anxiety for Decades,’ Mel Robbins Reveals—Here’s What Made the Biggest Difference (Exclusive)

4. No structure

On the other end of the spectrum, a lack of structure in childhood can also raise the odds that someone becomes anxious as an adult.

“Boundaries and structure are necessary for children and adolescents to experience safety and security, which is a fundamental need,” Dr. Biller says.

Without the structure, he explains that insecurities increase, and anxiety symptoms are more likely to drag on.

Related: ‘I’m a Trauma-Informed Psychotherapist—Here’s What I Wish All Women Over 50 Knew About Anxiety’

5. Enabling

Enabling isn’t just about letting a child do whatever they want (see: no structure). There can be an emotional component. Dr. Adelman says parents and grandparents who enable children are strongly affected by a child’s distress and team up with them to avoid the feeling. The child learns that negative emotional reactions aren’t to be challenged—a key cog in emotional regulation in healthy adults—but obeyed. 

“This leads to patterns of anxiety and avoidance that often lead to less and less engagement and set the stage for adolescent and young adult behavioral patterns that feed the strength of the anxiety response by continued behavioral avoidance of any stress-inducing situation,” he explains.

Related: Child Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Stop Asking These 10 Questions

6. Lack of emotional validation

Enabling doesn’t help, but Dr. Adelman says you’re also likely to become anxious if your grown-ups disregarded your feelings in childhood. Responses like “toughen up” or “get over it” fit that bill and may have made it harder for “little you” to feel safe voicing your concerns and working from a place of power and control to regulate your emotions and anxiety. So, it’s unsurprising that “adult you” also struggles with anxiety—you were never given the power to learn.

7. Focus on the outcome, on the investment

Sometimes, kids need an “A” for effort—even if the report card says “C.” 

Dr. Adelman says that a hyper-focus on sports performance, grades and even social standing without a tailored investment in a child (which helps them feel seen) lays the foundation for anxiety. He explains that people raised in these settings are highly sensitive to negative events and emotions and anxious. 

Related: What Is ‘Eldest Daughter Syndrome?’ 11 Signs To Look For, According to Psychologists

How To Heal

1. Nurture emotional attachments

Dr. Adelman says it’s important to invest in relationships that bring you joy and connection, especially if you had negative attachments to parents, grandparents or other caregivers early in life. The goal is to challenge negative attachments and break cycles.

“Learn over time which relationships bring you enjoyment and happiness and build your self-esteem,” he suggests. “Take time to invest in these relationships and build awareness of the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behind their health.”

Related: 13 Lies People Tell Themselves That Do More Harm Than Good, Psychologists Warn

2. Avoid avoidance

According to Dr. Adelman, continuing to engage (even when it’s hard) is a pillar of coping with anxiety in adulthood. While avoiding something because you’re anxious might seem like a good solution in the moment,  chronically restricting your world can only make things worse. Plus, facing the issue helps you build perseverance. It won’t be easy, though.  

“Be gentle with yourself in this process,” he stresses. “Make sure to both be aware of and validate your own emotional response, but be cautious not to invest too much in it.”

Related: 14 Habits of People Who Never (Or Rarely) Get Anxious, According to Therapists

3. Explore your anxiety with a therapist

You’ve been living like this for a while and may need some help learning how to cope and heal.

“Therapists are neutral parties that assist us in exploring the intersection of our histories and our current functioning,” Dr. Biller says. “While assisting us in exploring our thoughts and feelings, within a safe container, professional therapists also are able to assist in building coping strategies that enable us to manage thoughts and feelings which we seek to change.”

Up Next:

Related: People Who Felt Constantly Scolded as Children Usually Develop These 10 Traits as Adults, Psychologists Say

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Moment Rescue Cockatoo Finally Climbs on Mom’s Shoulder After 2 Years Has Everyone Sobbing

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Everyone loves a good rescue story, but some pets don’t immediately open up. It takes a loving, patient parent to ease their fears so they’ll learn to trust again. Rescued Cockatoo, Chloe, is one of those pets, and it’s taken 780 days to finally do the one thing these birds are known for—and it’s a beautiful moment.

If you’re in need of a heartwarming, tear-jerker of a video, this is it. Watch as Chloe chooses to take the leap and trust that her new mom will never hurt her, and will remain a steadfast, loving figure she can count on.

Chloe’s been in her new home since January 2023, and is just now beginning to understand she is safe. This sweet girl’s progress to let love in has been slow, and not always “linear,” as @apparrotly shares, but she’s still grateful for any progress at all.

In a previous clip, the timid Cockatoo let Mom pet her for the very first time—14 months after her rescue, and when Chloe first got close enough to explore Mom’s feet, she shared the clip explaining, “Chloe doesn’t let me touch her or even move my hands around her when I’m looking at her.”

So as you can see, it’s been quite a journey to get to this point, but Chloe’s getting there little by little. The video brought longtime fans who’ve followed Chloe’s story to tears.

“She’s gonna be your sidekick I know it,” famous Cockatoo Cumulus’ Mom wrote. Another added, “I am literally crying! I have been watching you build this relationship for so long!” And another offered praise writing, “I knew she would eventually get there. Trust, love and a lot or patience can overcome so much.”

Related: Precious Cockatoo Loves His Doctor So Much He Sings a Special Song About Her

How To Help a Rescue Cockatoo Adjust

Chloe’s journey is inspiring, but it’s taken a lot of work to help the reserved Cockatoo get where she’s at. Northwest Parrot Rescue explains that the acclimation process in a new home can be done in a few steps, and the first 72 hours are crucial for setting the tone.

The first is to create trust and bonding. Keep your bird in an uncovered cage for 48 hours to become familiar with the new surroundings and only the adopter should feed, water, and care for and speak softly to him/her. This is very important for forming a bond.

On the second day, only the adopter should open the cage and let the Parrot out on their own volition. The home should be distraction-free and quiet. Asks the bird to step onto your hand to slowly walk through the house. No one else should be involved. again, this matters!

Step two is strengthening the bond. The adopter shouldn’t show affection to any other pet in the home for the first three days to avoid jealousy and unwanted behavioral issues. Also, avoid responding to the Parrot if they’re making loud cries or unwanted phrases. Now’s the time for boundary-setting.

They may be acting out to see what they can get away with or to get attention—just like kids! Practice positive reinforcement by rewarding them with time out of their cage for being quiet. Do this for 30 days to set the routine. Likewise, ensure you’re giving them plenty of attention when they are out because Parrot species require a lot of dedicated time with their main person.

The org suggests offering attention in small increments of 10-15 minutes at first so any schedule changes don’t throw them off. Cuddling should be 30 minutes or less and be consistent. Parrots thrive on scheduling and consistency so if any of these things are broken in the first week home, they state to start over.

Some rescues just need a little more time to adjust, and that’s okay. Look at Chloe. 780 days later, she’s finally able to give Mom the same love in return.

🐶SIGN UP to get “pawsitivity” delivered right to your inbox with inspiring & entertaining stories about our furry & feathered friends🐾🐾



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Can 3-person friendships work?

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At a luxe island resort in Thailand, three childhood best friends are on vacation, having left their jobs, kids and partners at home so they can reconnect and recharge with the help of Reiki, yoga and wine. That hotel? The White Lotus — the fictional setting of Max’s hit TV show, now in its third season. The comedy-drama provides an incisive take on politics, class, gender roles and relationships — and this season, it’s the trio’s fraught friendship that’s under the microscope.

To a casual resort guest, it may seem like Kate (played by Leslie Bibb), Laurie (Carrie Coon) and Jacklyn (Michelle Monaghan) are just gal pals enjoying some time off. But in reality — and what is apparent to viewers — their friendship is anything but easy. The trio subtly competes for who has the lowest body fat mass. They have snarky side conversations about whatever friend went to bed early that night’s plastic surgery or political choices. They pass not-so-subtle passive-aggressive judgment on one another’s love lives and parenting styles. This friendship is stressful — for those watching along at home and to the friends who, when alone, look like they’re having anything but fun. The biggest mystery on The White Lotus isn’t the identity of the dead body teased at the beginning of the season … it’s whether this group will remain friends when they leave the island.

“This is a pretty realistic version of female friendships, especially ones who have known each other since high school,” commenter Annette Hunt shared on Max’s Instagram page. “Any time you have an odd number of friends, someone’s gonna get ganged up on by the other ones.”

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As Hunt notes, the pop culture threesome is true to life. TikTok creator Sahar Dahi shared a similar experience. “Every single group of three I’ve ever been in has been a complete disaster,” she said. “I’ve decided I’m never gonna travel with groups of three, go out in groups of three, have a main group of three … there’s too much, like, ganging up, a lot of talking s*** and bullying.”

Then there’s Brandon Edelman, co-host of the “Between Us Girlies” podcast, who said that he’s happy with his four-person squad because groups of three are a recipe for disaster. “Anytime I’ve been in a friend group of three, someone is always the third wheel,” he reflected. “Especially in high school, when you’re younger, two people latch on to each other, and the third person notices — and everybody notices. And I honestly feel like sometimes as an adult, that still happens.”

So are groups of three actually problematic, or do they just get a bad rap? Here’s what some experts have to say.

You’re inviting exclusion into your friendship

Groups of three aren’t inherently bad but they do add an extra layer of complexity to friendship than when two people are hanging out.

Psychotherapist Barbie Atkinson of Catalyst Counseling tells Yahoo Life that while three-person friendships can be “really enriching,” you have to be “more intentional” than you would be in two-person friendships to avoid conflict and hurt feelings.

Spending time in a group of three can easily leave one person feeling left out. No two friendships are exactly the same, so it’s natural for someone to feel like the other two are closer or that their voice carries less weight in the group because, often, that’s the reality. But according to Atkinson, this imbalance isn’t always personal or malicious — it’s simply harder to give two people equal attention at the same time.

One example Atkinson gives is when planning a dinner with your trio. If you live closer to one of the friends, you will likely end up picking a place more convenient for two out of the three people — at least, if you’re not intentional about it. “You naturally exclude, and that can feel tricky,” she says.

Three-person friend groups can lead to triangulation

Sometimes, however, the hurt caused by a friendship with a group of three goes beyond inadvertent exclusion — especially when the group’s balance is thrown off by conflict.

One of the biggest problems with three-person friend groups is the likelihood of “triangulation,” Victoria Kress, professor of psychological sciences and counseling at Youngstown State University, tells Yahoo Life. This is when two people bond at the expense of the third person — like on The White Lotus, when Jaclyn and Laurie gossip about Kate’s political and religious leanings after she’s gone to bed for the night. While this talk connects them with each other, it alienates Kate in the process — and when she witnesses it, she’s left feeling hurt and uneasy.

“If one person is experiencing tension with another person in the group, they’ll often go to the person they aren’t experiencing tension with to try to diffuse it, so they don’t feel so alone and feel connected,” she explains, “but this is a really unhealthy and unfair dynamic to the person who is being talked about, because they don’t get an opportunity to protect or defend themselves.”

And you might end up triangulating with different members of the group at different points, as is the case on The White Lotus. That means that whatever conflict you’re having never really gets resolved: You’re talking about people without actually talking to them.

“Healthy relationships involve people talking directly with each other about their issues and concerns and communicating those and working through those so that they can become closer and build genuine intimacy,” Kress says.

Power imbalances come into play

There are also power imbalances at play with groups of three, Kress says, as often one person in the group wants to be the leader. This isn’t a problem if that person is operating from a place of kindness and looking out for the needs of the group. But as Kress explains, if they’re more interested in control and status, that can open up room for conflict, particularly if there are people in the group who don’t really assert themselves.

You know how Regina George (Rachel McAdams) is the leader of The Plastics in Mean Girls — while Gretchen (Lacey Chabert) is content to be walked all over … until her whole “we should all just stab Caesar” freak out? Kress says that groups of three can create this type of pressure cooker.

“Sometimes what you see is those people who don’t assert themselves is that they can explode,” Kress says. “They’re frustrated that people aren’t asking what they think or what they want.”

Plus, Atkinson says that these different imbalances can also occur when one person feels closer to another in the group, which can “inadvertently fuel jealousy and competition for attention or perceived ‘best friend’ status,” Atkinson says.

When fights do happen, they can ramp up in intensity quickly, says Atkinson. A disagreement between two people within the group “suddenly involves the third,” which can “unnecessarily escalate the conflict” by bringing “a whole other person’s energy into it.”

The bottom line

Atkinson stresses that just because friend groups of three have unique challenges doesn’t mean they’re impossible to maintain healthily — but you have to “make a concerted effort” if you want to avoid the drama.

That means paying attention to how you’re communicating. Instead of triangulating when you have a conflict with a group member, it’s important to communicate directly. And while it’s normal for friendships to go through phases where people feel closer to one person than another, being mindful of giving everyone an equal voice in the friendship is also important. (That may mean heading to your furthest friend’s neighborhood for dinner occasionally!)

“If done well,” Atkinson says, “it can be really cool, and you can have so many different points of view, and know that everyone has your back and you have theirs.”



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My wife won’t get skinny for me

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went for our annual checkups seven months ago. We were both overweight and told by our respective doctors that we needed to make some lifestyle changes to improve our health. Since that time, I have made the needed changes. As a result, I have lost 40 pounds, and all of my vitals are in a healthy range.

My wife has not made any changes. There has been no weight loss, and she has to take medication for a couple of issues. While I have made sacrifices, she has made excuses. I love her dearly, but I am very frustrated. I have been positive and encouraging, but it doesn’t seem to help.

We are both at an age at which we need to take our health seriously. This isn’t about looks or appearance; it’s about health. I really want us to have long and healthy lives together. If there is any advice you can provide, I am open to hearing it. — FITTER IN INDIANA

DEAR FITTER: Other than modeling healthy exercise and eating habits for your wife, there is nothing you can do to force her off the trajectory she is on. Changing one’s lifestyle (or not) is a personal choice. Motivation has to come from within, and she has to be determined to make the effort. Her doctor, not you, should discuss making those changes with her and the reasons for it. Even small changes can make a big difference.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old great-granddaughter, “Emma.” She’s beautiful, smart, happy and just wonderful. Her dad, my grandson, and her mother are no longer together, but they share custody. My grandson has since gotten together with Baby Mama No. 2 and has two other children with her.

Emma’s life has not been the easiest because of the fighting and disagreements. Her mother is also with another man and has other children. Her mom’s boyfriend is not nice to Emma. My grandson is trying to get full custody of her.

Emma is bright and intelligent. I would like to talk to her about independence and not depending on any man to support her. I know at 7 she’s still too young to understand. What is a good age to teach her independence and how to provide for herself, and rather than “need” a man, it’s healthier to be with someone without depending on him? — HER “GEE-GEE” IN COLORADO

DEAR “GEE-GEE”: This is not a one-time lesson you are trying to convey. It’s a lifelong process. The first thing you should do is become a role model for Emma. Expose her to books and videos about women who are independent, building careers and lives for themselves rather than depending upon a man. Then teach her self-respect. If you do, those are lessons she will take with her into adulthood.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.



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