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I Should Be Happy My Parents Are Such Good Grandparents. But I Just Can’t Do It.

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One afternoon, I stumbled upon my 70-year-old father giggling away with my 7-year-old son as they watched the Cars animated film. At first, I paused, my heart warming. But what started as a sweet moment soon stirred something unexpected in me. As much as I hate to admit it, I felt a little … jealous.

As they reveled in Lightning McQueen’s antics, the little girl inside me asked: Why didn’t I get this version of my father when I was growing up?

Always preoccupied with work in his younger days, my father believed any spare time was better spent on practical pursuits—reading the news, managing finances, or discussing “real-world” matters with adults. Cartoons were certainly never part of the list of activities worth engaging in. Now, he enthusiastically discusses the SpongeBob SquarePants movie plotline with my kids and lets them climb all over him like he’s a jungle gym.

I’m not the only one who’s witnessed their parents go from strict authoritarian to doting grandparent. From building Legos to the usual father-son bonding activities, Anthony (names of my parent interviewees have been changed) easily listed the tender moments he’s witnessed between his parents and two children, which he missed out on as a child. “Seeing them with their grandkids—it’s so funny to see them so relaxed and easygoing. That was not my childhood,” he recalls of his Vietnamese immigrant parents. He described the moment his toddler daughter ran to his mother for the first time. Without hesitation, she wrapped her arms around her granddaughter, with pure joy radiating from her face. Witnessing that kind of emotion and open expression of love from his parents was rare growing up. “I can’t remember [a] time I felt that sort of embrace from them in my … younger days.”

While all the parents I spoke to love that their children get this softer side of their grandparents, it also left some of us questioning how someone can turn into a completely different person with age and the addition of a few (admittedly) adorable little humans into the family. It turns out that when parents enter the grandparenting phase of their lives, it profoundly changes their role in the family and how they engage with younger generations.

“As parents, we have the primary responsibility for raising our kids, making sure they grow into responsible and well-adjusted adults,” says Christian Bumpous, a marriage and family therapist based in Nashville, Tennessee. “That means having to set and enforce the rules and having to make tough decisions. But then once you’re a grandparent, that role shifts.” No longer primary caregivers or disciplinarians, they can embrace more relaxed roles—like playmates, supporters, and trusted confidants.

This role shift also reduces daily stress levels, changing the energy they bring to the grandparent-grandchild dynamic. Bumpous explains that the constant balancing act of parenthood—work, chores, and discipline—often makes moms and dads stricter simply because they’re trying to manage so many things simultaneously. Many of these pressures would have eased by the time they become grandparents. “There’s more space, and things feel more expansive, allowing them to be more patient, allowing them to have more time to themselves, which makes it easier to show up for their grandkids,” says Saba Harouni Lurie, a marriage and family therapist based in California.

Then, there’s also the wisdom that comes with age. Having lived through life and raised kids of their own, grandparents have the benefit of hindsight. Many things that once felt critical—like maintaining a spotless living room or enforcing every little rule—no longer seem as important. “They’ve seen what really matters in the long run. And because of that, they tend to let go of the smaller battles and focus more on connection and enjoyment with their grandkids,” explains Bumpous.

Felicia saw this change of perspective firsthand with her father. Once holding a high-stress position as a trial lawyer, he often brought home the anxieties of work. His patience was depleted by the end of most days. “When we were little, and we would build blocks … he used to get really frustrated when we would knock the towers down. But, you know, that was the best part,” she says. Over time, self-reflection helped him learn to let go of minor frustrations like these, completely transforming the way he interacts with Felicia’s four children. “There are so many times when we’re together, when he’ll stop and say: ‘When you were little, I would have hated that, but I can do it now.’ ”

All these possible reasons behind my own dad’s transformation made complete sense to me. But it wasn’t enough to stop the emotions. Watching the parental affection I once longed for being given so freely to someone else (even when that someone was my own child) still brought up pangs of jealousy. Then come the other emotions—like guilt. I wondered if I was a horrible parent for feeling jealous of my son. For other people in my position, there can also be feelings of grief for lost moments in childhood that can never be reclaimed.

Some of these feelings were familiar to Melissa, a mother of two in Los Angeles. Her once-busy parents, who rarely attended her childhood performances, now never miss a recital or school event for her children. While she’s grateful for their presence in her kids’ lives, she also mourns what she and her brother missed out on. “It … brings up a lot of grief for me,” she said. “There’s a lot that I wish that they could have been available to give us when we were growing up. And I feel a lot for my child self.”

Anthony experienced something similar—but with less grief. It was more a feeling of wonder and longing. As his busy parents struggled to make ends meet when he was young, working 16 to 18 hours a day, he often felt like he was navigating life alone. Seeing them as more engaged grandparents, he wonders how he might have grown differently with their guidance. “I think about how my own personal growth would have been had my parents tried to unlock some of these milestones with me as a young kid,” he says.

When it comes to processing complicated feelings like these, Lurie, the marriage and family therapist, emphasizes honesty—without self-judgment. “Let yourself feel anything that’s there without guilt, without trying to put a positive spin on it. … Have compassion for yourself as you were sitting in this grief,” she says. These feelings are signals of an unmet need in childhood, and “you may also have compassion for your parents, and that can be really helpful. But start with you.”

Bumpous also says acknowledging these feelings is crucial because it honors the reality of your past experience. Even if your parents’ behavior has changed, it doesn’t cancel out what happened or how you felt about it. “Just because they’re different now, doesn’t mean that what happened … wasn’t real, and that those feelings that it’s bringing back aren’t real or valid,” he says.

I was also relieved to know that I’m not a horrible parent for feeling jealous of what my children share with their grandparents. “The truth is that jealousy isn’t really about that child. It’s about a part of you that didn’t get what you needed at the time. And that’s not your fault. Instead of beating yourself up for feeling that way, try just to see that as a signal,” says Bumpous.

Dealing with this issue relationally can be a little trickier. Bumpous suggests proceeding with caution and being intentional when discussing the topic with parents. “Seeking the conversation can be really helpful and promote healing, [but] sometimes it’s not,” he says.

Before diving in, first consider: What’s your current relationship like with them? “Some parents have incredible … emotional maturity that has developed over the course of their lives,” says Lurie. “And now that they are in this position of being older and hopefully wiser, they can make space to have these hard conversations and acknowledge with you that they may have fallen short.” If you sense that your parents aren’t going to be emotionally available to understand your experience, it might be best to manage this without confronting them about it. “Trying to approach them in hopes that they’re going to show up now may lead to even more disappointment,” Lurie said.

Another question worth reflecting on is: What am I hoping to get out of this conversation? If you aim to have more mutual understanding and foster a moment of connection, having an open dialogue might be worthwhile. However, if the goal is simply to voice frustrations without expecting any actual resolution, Bumpous suggests it may be more helpful to process those emotions in other ways—whether through self-reflection, journaling, confiding in a trusted friend, or seeking help from a therapist.

Several of the parents I spoke to found peace with the past by viewing their parents’ transformation with understanding and grace. “Forgiveness is so important. As a parent, I know that I have faults. I know that I will look back and think I could have done a better job. Heck, I see the difference in who I am to my last daughter versus my first. We all deserve a little grace,” says Felicia.

I’ll be honest. Watching the more playful side of my father still sometimes tugs at something deep inside me. But what’s changed is that I’ve accepted that the longing for a different past might always be there. At the same time, I now see him as a parent who’s grown, softened, and—like all of us—is still learning. So, these days, I’ve stopped watching from the sidelines. I make it a point to sometimes forget about the rules, laugh together at cartoons, build pillow forts, and just play with my kids—and my dad.



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Lifestyle

Moment Rescue Cockatoo Finally Climbs on Mom’s Shoulder After 2 Years Has Everyone Sobbing

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Everyone loves a good rescue story, but some pets don’t immediately open up. It takes a loving, patient parent to ease their fears so they’ll learn to trust again. Rescued Cockatoo, Chloe, is one of those pets, and it’s taken 780 days to finally do the one thing these birds are known for—and it’s a beautiful moment.

If you’re in need of a heartwarming, tear-jerker of a video, this is it. Watch as Chloe chooses to take the leap and trust that her new mom will never hurt her, and will remain a steadfast, loving figure she can count on.

Chloe’s been in her new home since January 2023, and is just now beginning to understand she is safe. This sweet girl’s progress to let love in has been slow, and not always “linear,” as @apparrotly shares, but she’s still grateful for any progress at all.

In a previous clip, the timid Cockatoo let Mom pet her for the very first time—14 months after her rescue, and when Chloe first got close enough to explore Mom’s feet, she shared the clip explaining, “Chloe doesn’t let me touch her or even move my hands around her when I’m looking at her.”

So as you can see, it’s been quite a journey to get to this point, but Chloe’s getting there little by little. The video brought longtime fans who’ve followed Chloe’s story to tears.

“She’s gonna be your sidekick I know it,” famous Cockatoo Cumulus’ Mom wrote. Another added, “I am literally crying! I have been watching you build this relationship for so long!” And another offered praise writing, “I knew she would eventually get there. Trust, love and a lot or patience can overcome so much.”

Related: Precious Cockatoo Loves His Doctor So Much He Sings a Special Song About Her

How To Help a Rescue Cockatoo Adjust

Chloe’s journey is inspiring, but it’s taken a lot of work to help the reserved Cockatoo get where she’s at. Northwest Parrot Rescue explains that the acclimation process in a new home can be done in a few steps, and the first 72 hours are crucial for setting the tone.

The first is to create trust and bonding. Keep your bird in an uncovered cage for 48 hours to become familiar with the new surroundings and only the adopter should feed, water, and care for and speak softly to him/her. This is very important for forming a bond.

On the second day, only the adopter should open the cage and let the Parrot out on their own volition. The home should be distraction-free and quiet. Asks the bird to step onto your hand to slowly walk through the house. No one else should be involved. again, this matters!

Step two is strengthening the bond. The adopter shouldn’t show affection to any other pet in the home for the first three days to avoid jealousy and unwanted behavioral issues. Also, avoid responding to the Parrot if they’re making loud cries or unwanted phrases. Now’s the time for boundary-setting.

They may be acting out to see what they can get away with or to get attention—just like kids! Practice positive reinforcement by rewarding them with time out of their cage for being quiet. Do this for 30 days to set the routine. Likewise, ensure you’re giving them plenty of attention when they are out because Parrot species require a lot of dedicated time with their main person.

The org suggests offering attention in small increments of 10-15 minutes at first so any schedule changes don’t throw them off. Cuddling should be 30 minutes or less and be consistent. Parrots thrive on scheduling and consistency so if any of these things are broken in the first week home, they state to start over.

Some rescues just need a little more time to adjust, and that’s okay. Look at Chloe. 780 days later, she’s finally able to give Mom the same love in return.

🐶SIGN UP to get “pawsitivity” delivered right to your inbox with inspiring & entertaining stories about our furry & feathered friends🐾🐾



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Can 3-person friendships work?

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At a luxe island resort in Thailand, three childhood best friends are on vacation, having left their jobs, kids and partners at home so they can reconnect and recharge with the help of Reiki, yoga and wine. That hotel? The White Lotus — the fictional setting of Max’s hit TV show, now in its third season. The comedy-drama provides an incisive take on politics, class, gender roles and relationships — and this season, it’s the trio’s fraught friendship that’s under the microscope.

To a casual resort guest, it may seem like Kate (played by Leslie Bibb), Laurie (Carrie Coon) and Jacklyn (Michelle Monaghan) are just gal pals enjoying some time off. But in reality — and what is apparent to viewers — their friendship is anything but easy. The trio subtly competes for who has the lowest body fat mass. They have snarky side conversations about whatever friend went to bed early that night’s plastic surgery or political choices. They pass not-so-subtle passive-aggressive judgment on one another’s love lives and parenting styles. This friendship is stressful — for those watching along at home and to the friends who, when alone, look like they’re having anything but fun. The biggest mystery on The White Lotus isn’t the identity of the dead body teased at the beginning of the season … it’s whether this group will remain friends when they leave the island.

“This is a pretty realistic version of female friendships, especially ones who have known each other since high school,” commenter Annette Hunt shared on Max’s Instagram page. “Any time you have an odd number of friends, someone’s gonna get ganged up on by the other ones.”

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As Hunt notes, the pop culture threesome is true to life. TikTok creator Sahar Dahi shared a similar experience. “Every single group of three I’ve ever been in has been a complete disaster,” she said. “I’ve decided I’m never gonna travel with groups of three, go out in groups of three, have a main group of three … there’s too much, like, ganging up, a lot of talking s*** and bullying.”

Then there’s Brandon Edelman, co-host of the “Between Us Girlies” podcast, who said that he’s happy with his four-person squad because groups of three are a recipe for disaster. “Anytime I’ve been in a friend group of three, someone is always the third wheel,” he reflected. “Especially in high school, when you’re younger, two people latch on to each other, and the third person notices — and everybody notices. And I honestly feel like sometimes as an adult, that still happens.”

So are groups of three actually problematic, or do they just get a bad rap? Here’s what some experts have to say.

You’re inviting exclusion into your friendship

Groups of three aren’t inherently bad but they do add an extra layer of complexity to friendship than when two people are hanging out.

Psychotherapist Barbie Atkinson of Catalyst Counseling tells Yahoo Life that while three-person friendships can be “really enriching,” you have to be “more intentional” than you would be in two-person friendships to avoid conflict and hurt feelings.

Spending time in a group of three can easily leave one person feeling left out. No two friendships are exactly the same, so it’s natural for someone to feel like the other two are closer or that their voice carries less weight in the group because, often, that’s the reality. But according to Atkinson, this imbalance isn’t always personal or malicious — it’s simply harder to give two people equal attention at the same time.

One example Atkinson gives is when planning a dinner with your trio. If you live closer to one of the friends, you will likely end up picking a place more convenient for two out of the three people — at least, if you’re not intentional about it. “You naturally exclude, and that can feel tricky,” she says.

Three-person friend groups can lead to triangulation

Sometimes, however, the hurt caused by a friendship with a group of three goes beyond inadvertent exclusion — especially when the group’s balance is thrown off by conflict.

One of the biggest problems with three-person friend groups is the likelihood of “triangulation,” Victoria Kress, professor of psychological sciences and counseling at Youngstown State University, tells Yahoo Life. This is when two people bond at the expense of the third person — like on The White Lotus, when Jaclyn and Laurie gossip about Kate’s political and religious leanings after she’s gone to bed for the night. While this talk connects them with each other, it alienates Kate in the process — and when she witnesses it, she’s left feeling hurt and uneasy.

“If one person is experiencing tension with another person in the group, they’ll often go to the person they aren’t experiencing tension with to try to diffuse it, so they don’t feel so alone and feel connected,” she explains, “but this is a really unhealthy and unfair dynamic to the person who is being talked about, because they don’t get an opportunity to protect or defend themselves.”

And you might end up triangulating with different members of the group at different points, as is the case on The White Lotus. That means that whatever conflict you’re having never really gets resolved: You’re talking about people without actually talking to them.

“Healthy relationships involve people talking directly with each other about their issues and concerns and communicating those and working through those so that they can become closer and build genuine intimacy,” Kress says.

Power imbalances come into play

There are also power imbalances at play with groups of three, Kress says, as often one person in the group wants to be the leader. This isn’t a problem if that person is operating from a place of kindness and looking out for the needs of the group. But as Kress explains, if they’re more interested in control and status, that can open up room for conflict, particularly if there are people in the group who don’t really assert themselves.

You know how Regina George (Rachel McAdams) is the leader of The Plastics in Mean Girls — while Gretchen (Lacey Chabert) is content to be walked all over … until her whole “we should all just stab Caesar” freak out? Kress says that groups of three can create this type of pressure cooker.

“Sometimes what you see is those people who don’t assert themselves is that they can explode,” Kress says. “They’re frustrated that people aren’t asking what they think or what they want.”

Plus, Atkinson says that these different imbalances can also occur when one person feels closer to another in the group, which can “inadvertently fuel jealousy and competition for attention or perceived ‘best friend’ status,” Atkinson says.

When fights do happen, they can ramp up in intensity quickly, says Atkinson. A disagreement between two people within the group “suddenly involves the third,” which can “unnecessarily escalate the conflict” by bringing “a whole other person’s energy into it.”

The bottom line

Atkinson stresses that just because friend groups of three have unique challenges doesn’t mean they’re impossible to maintain healthily — but you have to “make a concerted effort” if you want to avoid the drama.

That means paying attention to how you’re communicating. Instead of triangulating when you have a conflict with a group member, it’s important to communicate directly. And while it’s normal for friendships to go through phases where people feel closer to one person than another, being mindful of giving everyone an equal voice in the friendship is also important. (That may mean heading to your furthest friend’s neighborhood for dinner occasionally!)

“If done well,” Atkinson says, “it can be really cool, and you can have so many different points of view, and know that everyone has your back and you have theirs.”



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Lifestyle

My wife won’t get skinny for me

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DEAR ABBY: My wife and I went for our annual checkups seven months ago. We were both overweight and told by our respective doctors that we needed to make some lifestyle changes to improve our health. Since that time, I have made the needed changes. As a result, I have lost 40 pounds, and all of my vitals are in a healthy range.

My wife has not made any changes. There has been no weight loss, and she has to take medication for a couple of issues. While I have made sacrifices, she has made excuses. I love her dearly, but I am very frustrated. I have been positive and encouraging, but it doesn’t seem to help.

We are both at an age at which we need to take our health seriously. This isn’t about looks or appearance; it’s about health. I really want us to have long and healthy lives together. If there is any advice you can provide, I am open to hearing it. — FITTER IN INDIANA

DEAR FITTER: Other than modeling healthy exercise and eating habits for your wife, there is nothing you can do to force her off the trajectory she is on. Changing one’s lifestyle (or not) is a personal choice. Motivation has to come from within, and she has to be determined to make the effort. Her doctor, not you, should discuss making those changes with her and the reasons for it. Even small changes can make a big difference.

DEAR ABBY: I have a 7-year-old great-granddaughter, “Emma.” She’s beautiful, smart, happy and just wonderful. Her dad, my grandson, and her mother are no longer together, but they share custody. My grandson has since gotten together with Baby Mama No. 2 and has two other children with her.

Emma’s life has not been the easiest because of the fighting and disagreements. Her mother is also with another man and has other children. Her mom’s boyfriend is not nice to Emma. My grandson is trying to get full custody of her.

Emma is bright and intelligent. I would like to talk to her about independence and not depending on any man to support her. I know at 7 she’s still too young to understand. What is a good age to teach her independence and how to provide for herself, and rather than “need” a man, it’s healthier to be with someone without depending on him? — HER “GEE-GEE” IN COLORADO

DEAR “GEE-GEE”: This is not a one-time lesson you are trying to convey. It’s a lifelong process. The first thing you should do is become a role model for Emma. Expose her to books and videos about women who are independent, building careers and lives for themselves rather than depending upon a man. Then teach her self-respect. If you do, those are lessons she will take with her into adulthood.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.



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